If you know so much about holiday gift cards, name three of their songs. Poser

And yet this may technically be the bravest thing Marco Rubio has ever done.

As a child, I was led to believe I would have SO many more woodland friends than I actually do have. Granted, that could be on me

What would even be the point if it wasn't

I guess when you've already spent your entire life as a weird, sad cartoon character who can't make convincing human facial expressions, it's an easy mistake to assume everyone else has been dreaming of doing that too

I really hope other clue-bereft electronics companies are taking careful notes here so they can soon entreat us to "Give your Christmas a higher pixel density" or some shit

I don't mean to sound all paranoid here, but I feel like there might be a second number they just calculated and they're probably more excited about that one.

But ACTUALLY being the dumbest motherfucker alive is staggeringly difficult

Thoughtful flourishes like those are what separate "Honey, would you like to have lunch with me on Tuesday?" from "Blood of mine own, let us feast at the stroke of noon like pagan kings."

unfortunately im working tuesdays now so i can't make it

Oh, that's good then! Um,

Been quietly wishing you success on that G-ing TFO goal for several years now, so the obvious conclusion to be drawn here is that my wishes SUCK and are of help to no one. But you are welcome to keep accruing as many of those non-functional little bastards as you like until one of 'em finally works

I had to go there because somebody died, which I guess is as good a reason to be there as any. Probably better than yours, actually, which I'm assuming is more like "Somebody was born. It was me. It happened here. So…"

(Sorry, I was trying to be coy and non-specific there but I guess all your stalkers just drew a definitive 'X' through Montana on their wall maps anyway, my bad)

I had to spend the whole summer in your actual home state and he's kinda not wrong tbh

And okay, I know you were dying to know. Enjoy.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERI_...

Damn it, first it was the Roman Empire and now this. Will I ever not be doing it wrong