I loved this show! I wasn't necessarily a Neil Diamond fan but it was a party the whole time. I was surprised it didn't get any Tony nods, tbh.

Omg I am SO HAPPY TO FIND YOU HERE!

I prepped well for the audition and callback and that's all I can do. If I fit the director's vision, I might get what I want, but regardless I get to sit in this feeling of wanting and desiring and longing and ENJOY it. Enjoy all the feelings. It's a good life I've got.

I had a callback yesterday. In the past, I would temper my desire for a particular role by talking myself down. I sang this wrong, I misread this line, I actually really only want the ensemble role anyhow because (insert lie). Not this time. I can want what I want this time.

Wanting is not easily ignored, now that it has barged into my consciousness. Fortunately, I'm still a fairly rational adult and can decide what to act on and what to avoid. (I think there's a future lesson for me about pleasure and indulgence and enjoyment of life but for today this is enough.)

So being given permission to want what I want has punched a kool-aid-man sized hole in the walls I've built around my heart and with it have come a flood of feelings. I want, I desire, I long, I yearn and it is sharp and deep and present. And gorgeous and good and welcome.

I also felt an insane amount of resentment at people and the world in general, for not giving me what i couldn't even admit to myself that I wanted.

That job, that role, that opportunity, that action from someone... If I didn't want it, it wouldn't hurt when I didn't get it. This emotional asceticism protected me from pain but also blocked me from possibilities and dreams and growth.

I'm acting in a play ("And Then There Were None") and for the first time ever, I think I'm actually crushing it. I'm proud of my performance and actually agree when people give me compliments. I've never felt this level of confidence before.