I bet it was Tom Cruise

The fess:

I'd probably just have had some comfort food in my pyjamas, but we all deal with adversity in our own way.

That hairy little cunt has done it again

No tortured puns for this one, just to say it reminded me of one of my favourite poems:

After a frenzied lovemaking session back at my Tinder date's penthouse apartment, a blur of limbs, sweat and guttural screams, I switch on the light only to find that I have inadvertently jizzed all over the duvet face of her dead grandmother.

I think she might be the one.

What's wrong babe? You've barely glanced at your Sports Direct Cremation Urn