"crabs for head"

Cangrejos de Cabeza i think would work better but I'm not a native speaker. "crab of head" or Cangrejos por Cabeza

"As your attorney i advise you to begin drinking heavily"

No it's a gundam.

You remind me a lot of TNG-era Majel Barrett. Have you tried a cosplay of Lwaxana Troi?

Is this post horny or violent

Guns aren't effective against skeletons. Use batons or if you must stay at range, beanbag rounds