Would you rather be able to carbonate any beverage by sticking your finger in there, or warm anything up by holding it against your forehead and thinking about fire

7 or 8 biscottis are the perfect appetizer for a meal you’ve prepared for yourself and are not that interested in eating.

Modern movies don’t have those moments where someone does something embarrassing and then it cuts to a shot of a dog moaning and covering their face with their paw. Probably how Americans lost their sense of shame.

I’m functionally unemployable and have some pretty interesting ideas about how getting my wisdom teeth removed has made me dumber. When can I start shaping US health policy?

I want to go to a massage parlor but for getting tickled.

Someone tell Proctor and Gamble that we’re ready for a viral toothpaste marketing campaign. My life is miserable enough to buy Roast Beef-flavored Crest.

Being in America for Trump 2.0 is like that part in Spirited Away when No Face shows up and everyone excitedly starts feeding him because he’s throwing gold around and then the gold turns to shit and he starts eating everybody

Growing up in megachurches, I didn’t hear a lot of sermons about how to practically help poor people, but I did hear a lot about how camels can actually fit through the eye of a needle.

Every white supremacist I can think of is a self-contained counterpoint to white supremacy.

Like one of those Gatorade commercials where the athletes sweat the product out but instead it’s for Heinz ketchup

If there were a pill I could take that would curb my appetite for material excess, I would buy 10 of them immediately.