The day you’re old is the same day you ask yourself if you’re gonna take ibuprofen every day for the rest of your life

Rolling through the neighborhood at 8am with the windows down, blasting The Used, and the cute elder millennial with the neck tattoo walking his dog looking up and smiling.

Dr. Bronner’s would have gone so hard back in the nineties when I was taking a dump and trying to sound out methylisothiazolinone on the back of the shampoo bottles

Ngl I think it’s cute when boys hold up their fish in their dating profiles. It’s giving show and tell. It’s giving the 🥹 face

Therapy: exorbitant

Taking ibuprofen and listening to Taylor Swift in a 3000 degree shower while saying sometimes it be like that: free

Today at work an elderly man watched me as I tied my shoelace standing up, complimented me on my balance, then clapped when I was done. I said I hadn’t been complimented on my shoe-tying abilities since I was five. He said it was overdue. 🥹 Strangely I’m feeling much better about the planet today

Relatable

#Kendrick got me working on my PhD in hateration

All these #Atlantans really put away their Seaside tshirts and HUK performance wear for the season and have replaced them with Jackson Hole, Wyoming sweatshirts and I really gotta know why we’re like this. Y’ALL AIN’T BEEN

In da clerb, we all ✨💅girlypops💅✨

Every year I get the seasonal sads - and every year I think I’m coming down with scurvy like some kind of post-Victorian choleric chimney sweep. And every year my solution is eating fifteen mandarin oranges in one sitting until I have flametorched my intestines and yet I have learned nothing.

It’s Jonathan Bailey’s world and we’re all just living in it

The IWW be right.

“Were you biting your glove or was there a mouthpiece problem”
“I have a biting fixation”

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 💀💀💀

Reading Lord of the Rings again because it’s nice to hear about some fat little stoners who wreck an asshole’s shit