Even though I feel these things, I want them to feel like their work is amazing and means so much to everyone out there. I know I am affected by the situation too, I just feel like an imposter for it though...

Things still hurt though from what was told about me; trying too hard, too busy, and easily could have been more stuff said about me because as I was told, they really shit talked about me. It's all so weird to really process through... All I care to do is be there for my friends.

I didn't want to take attention away from anyone or make it center around me because I didn't want them to feel diminished and I was more hurt of what was about them than myself. They're people I really care about and creators, inspire me to keep trying.

I feel like my mashups are simply a single use and toss away deal and in some way, people kinda reflect that. I wish I could be more confident in my creations and skills.. I feel like I'm betraying the people that genuinely love my creations because I get so blinded by others' popularity...

Now I'm reconsidering my work so far... Is it really good or just busy for the sake of it? Am I trying too hard to be appealing and interesting with the way I make mashups? I wish I could feel more secure in my work but I don't simply because honestly, it doesn't feel like it impacts people...

I feel like a bad person as well because I know people are just showing support to my friends due to the screenshots given in the thread and I sadly had none but just words to believe in. Even thinking that I'm just piggy backing the drama when I'm truly not... I hate feeling these things so bad.

I just don't like people who contradict their intentions. I'm trying to be open and honest with who I am but I guess that isn't good..

But people always say they're inclusive and friendly 🧍‍♀️ definitely don't get that vibe...

Ugh idk man, it really bothers me when I try to interact or present my work or ideas and I'm definitely treated differently. Like I get ignored and talked over but when/what have I done to be treated like that lol

I want to be more authentic to myself and others but then if I do something "wrong", my mom and her abusive nature starts to replay in my mind. Especially if I feel like I just can't get over it too... I still try to keep moving forward because I can't let CPTSD keep me away from everything yaknow?

It's so fucking terrible too because I know what set these things off, social stress. If I feel like I did something I didn't attend to do socially, it starts to make me spiral and incur these triggering moments. I've been working on it for years but online social spaces are never going to work out.

Feels like another reminder that I just can't really trust others to be kind of nice

Buh I just got back on my account, thank you Mari but for real I thought I was going to throw up and faint. I was having episodic flashbacks when I fell asleep. Eugh