C'mon, man, that's just mean. . . Barbie is supposed to be pretty.

My podiatrist has been recommending me this for years and also hitting on my wife.

As a human with some semblance of intelligence, I agree that OU sucks for this.

As a graduate of OSU, I agree that OU sucks for everything else, as well.

First of all, I love you.

Secondly, nope, still back on the first it seems, I love you.

Third, thank you for the time you spend here and the thoughts you share with us.

Fourth, circling back on the "I love you" thing.

One guy works the night shift, driving around to all the pizza joints in town collecting their leftovers.

Codename: Night Slice

"I'd like two slices of lukewarm pepperoni and one cold cheese."

[yelling to the kitchen] "I GOT TWO PEPS KEEP 'EM LUKE, ONE MAZZ ON ICE"

I hope the aliens who find the ruins of Earth enjoy irony, because we. are. overflowing with this shit.

Saw him live. Absolutely hilarious. Tried to listen to his act from that period again and it turns out thinking a guy is a piece of shit really makes it hard to laugh at the piece of shit's jokes.

Thankfully there are other, non-p.o.s. comedians to enjoy.

I celebrate the entire catalog.

Some people have emotional attachments, which seems cool. I just bore my kids with pop culture trivia that is not relevant to them and never will be. I hope they pick a nice home to forget me in.

Yes, all of us. I'm going to have to explain the big words and most of the medium-sized words and, yes, more than a few of the small words to "Sen." Markwayne Derpadorp, but it's getting done.

I assume he will challenge me to a fistfight, but he's so short I'm going to do one of these:

Last night it was a song about sisters who don't get along but love each other and don't want to drift too far and jesuseffingchrist I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

I'm thankful that my kids are still asleep.

I'm thankful for Taco Casa. Just some damn good fast food tacos.

I'm thankful my wife doesn't laugh at me when "Bob's Burgers" makes me tear up.