Immortality Cult
@immortalitycult.bsky.social
Jokes to make you laugh. Like I'm a clown who's here to amuse you.
Them: Did you see [movie title]?
Me (didn't see it): Yeah.
Them: Did you like it?
Me: I liked the book better.
Them: Barbie was a novel?
Me (didn't see it): Yeah.
Them: Did you like it?
Me: I liked the book better.
Them: Barbie was a novel?
January 27, 2024 at 3:39 AM
Them: Did you see [movie title]?
Me (didn't see it): Yeah.
Them: Did you like it?
Me: I liked the book better.
Them: Barbie was a novel?
Me (didn't see it): Yeah.
Them: Did you like it?
Me: I liked the book better.
Them: Barbie was a novel?
Listen honey, I simply misunderstood what you meant by "being open" as "open marriage." Honest mistake.
Now let her get dressed.
Now let her get dressed.
January 26, 2024 at 5:36 PM
Listen honey, I simply misunderstood what you meant by "being open" as "open marriage." Honest mistake.
Now let her get dressed.
Now let her get dressed.
Call me a misogynist but I contend that a woman has no business getting pregnant. That's a man's job.
January 25, 2024 at 12:23 AM
Call me a misogynist but I contend that a woman has no business getting pregnant. That's a man's job.
I take a zen attitude toward these fucks.
January 22, 2024 at 7:48 AM
I take a zen attitude toward these fucks.
Shortly after fans were invented, the shit hit the fan.
January 22, 2024 at 2:23 AM
Shortly after fans were invented, the shit hit the fan.
Of course I wore shorts and flip flops the whole time! I was in Hell!
January 15, 2024 at 5:06 PM
Of course I wore shorts and flip flops the whole time! I was in Hell!
My favorite thing about Christmas is how far it is from next Christmas.
December 28, 2023 at 5:42 AM
My favorite thing about Christmas is how far it is from next Christmas.
I'm hopeful for the future, though not so much for the inevitable death it brings.
December 23, 2023 at 11:55 PM
I'm hopeful for the future, though not so much for the inevitable death it brings.
My performance review was mostly positive. I've earned a permanent unpaid vacation, apparently.
December 18, 2023 at 4:05 AM
My performance review was mostly positive. I've earned a permanent unpaid vacation, apparently.
The meager selection of "Fuck You on Xmas" cards really is a sad testament.
December 17, 2023 at 6:04 PM
The meager selection of "Fuck You on Xmas" cards really is a sad testament.
Reposted by Immortality Cult
After 6 years of riding bulls on the rodeo circuit it dawned on me: buy a goddamned car.
December 17, 2023 at 5:05 AM
After 6 years of riding bulls on the rodeo circuit it dawned on me: buy a goddamned car.
BREAKING: Orchestra conductors are totally full of shit and "have been pretending for 100s of years..."
December 17, 2023 at 4:30 AM
BREAKING: Orchestra conductors are totally full of shit and "have been pretending for 100s of years..."
Pardon my French, but va te faire foutre!
December 17, 2023 at 4:28 AM
Pardon my French, but va te faire foutre!
Either it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas or we're knee deep in coke.
December 17, 2023 at 4:23 AM
Either it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas or we're knee deep in coke.
I listen to soft jazz anytime I'm in the dentist chair mood.
December 17, 2023 at 4:20 AM
I listen to soft jazz anytime I'm in the dentist chair mood.
As someone who volunteers at a suicide help-line, I know I'm getting prank calls mostly. Just sucks when I'm wrong, y'know?
December 17, 2023 at 1:03 AM
As someone who volunteers at a suicide help-line, I know I'm getting prank calls mostly. Just sucks when I'm wrong, y'know?
I find that meditation helps me deal with these fucking assholes.
December 17, 2023 at 12:56 AM
I find that meditation helps me deal with these fucking assholes.
My careful timing couldn't have been worse. Just as I was called in for the job interview, the acid I took an hour ago kicked in.
December 16, 2023 at 9:32 PM
My careful timing couldn't have been worse. Just as I was called in for the job interview, the acid I took an hour ago kicked in.
Here's our Good Weed Guarantee:
You will be 100% convinced that your nextdoor neighbor is an FBI agent or your money back!
You will be 100% convinced that your nextdoor neighbor is an FBI agent or your money back!
December 16, 2023 at 9:30 PM
Here's our Good Weed Guarantee:
You will be 100% convinced that your nextdoor neighbor is an FBI agent or your money back!
You will be 100% convinced that your nextdoor neighbor is an FBI agent or your money back!
As I lightly brushed her hair away from her face and leaned in to kiss her waiting lips, the cashier stiff-armed me and angrily handed me my change.
December 16, 2023 at 9:27 PM
As I lightly brushed her hair away from her face and leaned in to kiss her waiting lips, the cashier stiff-armed me and angrily handed me my change.
Though I am a slow learner, once I finally do learn something, I forget it faster than just about anyone.
December 16, 2023 at 9:25 PM
Though I am a slow learner, once I finally do learn something, I forget it faster than just about anyone.
She doesn't clean. So I passive-
aggressively make a mess.
aggressively make a mess.
December 12, 2023 at 3:28 AM
She doesn't clean. So I passive-
aggressively make a mess.
aggressively make a mess.
Reposted by Immortality Cult
I have so much more focus and energy since I made the switch to baked potato chips.
December 12, 2023 at 3:11 AM
I have so much more focus and energy since I made the switch to baked potato chips.