it's still a learning and re-learning process to get comfortable in it again. as myself. what a gift it is to try again

i've had really really good friends before now, who taught me to be more confident. they made me hopeful for a good life with real friendships and i love them so much

but back then i was also drunk a Lot to disguise my fear. i was social but it was messy. i feel better doing it all sober, but

in that way my life is extremely fucking awesome. i may still be scared and always second-guessing but things are SO different. i am more capable than i thought and life is so so so much better than i ever thought.

but now? i have friends? i can attend events alone, and socialize? and if a few people are rude to me, i don't feel like it's the end of the world. bc most people are quite nice. i can be someone people want to be nice to???

ik this sounds like self-pity but it's not, it's not. it's genuinely shocking. i struggled socially So Much as a child bc of autism and other kids Knowing i was Weird. they were really mean and i did not understand why at all. i wanted to be accepted so so badly and had so few actual friends

maybe i can finally like. be accepted and even welcomed by my peers. and not have to mute every aspect of who i am. maybe people are actually happy to see me.

that's really really nice to think about. i still have to try. but that's more about my own fears than how people treat me lately

i still very much fear being "too weird" or "too much." but also i think. good people, worth hanging out with, will understand how i am and not be harsh. it is okay to stim and avoid eye contact. and get excited about my favorite things.

but now. as an adult. and sober. i think i am figuring out how to be fun and have fun at social gatherings without being drunk or feeling like i'm dying.

i still get really overwhelmed and nervous. but i also talk to people, and i think some people like when i'm there. which is nice!!!

like. i think. maybe people don't understand how hard it is for me to be social. i LIKE it and i LOVE people but i am also extremely scared of doing things the wrong way. i was not treated kindly by my peers as a child. it's still hard to interact without fear of messing up

also when someone recognizes my excited stims and knows it means i'm extremely happy, and is happy for me, instead of treating me like a freak?? absolute gold. i try so hard to be social "correctly" but it's nice to be My Self and still respected

not a joke just a genuine observation, i have much better vocal control and range when i feel like my ribcage is imploding. pondering the implications of this

like i don't mind doing it! i don't want people driving drunk and i had a way back to my car/home. but other than my sobriety, what is it about me that two different people were like "yes, i trust this person i just met to drive my car"

baptists are weakest of all. theologically speaking. they can gargle giblets dude they really got NOTHINGGGG.

but also "fasting" by... not eating meat one day of the week and still eating fish. THAT is also weak. if you're going to fast then MEAN ITTTTTT. they should try fasting ramadan instead tbh. im not muslim either but i wish i could do that this year (health problems forbid it :( )

was thinking about it bc my catholic in-laws took us to dinner which was nice but i forgot it was a friday in lent so had to think fast (lol) and Not get the tonkatsudon i really wanted. but at least they believe they're eating their god! that's commitment!

to be clear she didn't say no to hurt me, she just didn't realize i would jump off a bridge if someone offered me apple pie to do it