Had a very difficult conversation with the family last night. Confronted my brother, the best way I could, answered difficult questions from my mother, now I just need to find a way to ensure everyone that matters are taken cared of

*Had
Can’t even speak properly

People see me lazing around, sleeping, being worthless. I’m trying so hard. I really am. My head always gets in the way. Idk if the medication is helping. Need to find ways to seriously focus. Cause I worry too damn much that I can’t even move sometimes

I feel like it’s 2018 again and someone just said im just filled with self pity(which in my head translates to you’re a pathetic bum and no one wants to be around you)

I want things to change but I also can’t but I want things to change but I’m always filled with excuses

(I wish I would just fucking disintegrate at this point tbh)
But I have no time to feel guilty/down/sad, I’m not entitled to that. I just have to do what I can and not be a useless bum

me, the fascination/intrigue I have towards the things/people around me & many things you can’t really put a price on. Those things should be seen as ‘valuables’. But alas, money makes the world go round and love alone can’t put food on the table

Yes, the word ‘valuables’ itself may refer to something of monetary value. But what we should put more value on is, from my perspective at least, the love I share with my wife, the bond I have with a friend whom I may not have any blood relation with but he would go out of his way to be there for

This constant pursuit of the next paycheck/promotion or even the need to be profitable YOY or quarter after quarter, these are, to some, worldly pursuits, but i prefer calling them selfish pursuits. Value has lost all meaning. What is valuable in today’s day and age?

I even commented on one of the videos and said smtg along the lines of hoping she achieves her dreams on behalf of those who can’t so that we can live vicariously through her… I don’t know why we don’t put more emphasis on the arts/social welfare/just being human

Today, I feel sad but kinda happy for a stranger on TikTok. Someone made a TikTok account secretly about the partner who is trying to pursue a career in music. The artist’s name is Liv & I don’t know why I found that so…fitting for this artist

Dear Lord, if any of my prayers are ever to be answered, constantly shower blessings over not only my beloved wife but this friend of mine and his kind wife

He then went on to randomly get me a pair of Zildjian drumsticks and this person is still a very dear friend today who is still somewhat helping me pursue my dreams today

May accept the help that’s been offered to me but I don’t know how to get over feeling like a burden or the fear of possibly fucking things up again. I felt very small last night and I still feel the same today

left off the next day once we’re well rested. There’s a lot I don’t know and a lot I don’t know how to do & I wish I had more time to do more stuff

Wish I did some training today but was too tired to even do anything after the meeting