i wanna be a better friend and person but i can't even be good to myself and it's making me hurt people and ignore people but it's not from lack of love but ik that sounds like a shitty excuse to them because it IS shitty but i don't know how to stop anymore. i don't know how to live anymore.

ik things can't come easy ever but i wish they'd come at all. to be met with nos is better than to be met with silence. i feel completely invisible and ignored and unwanted and i would frankly much rather feel rejected so ik which doors to not go knocking on again and again

when did life get so extremely shit all the time.

and i can't voice it because look she has it worse stop crying stop complaining stop being upset fix your face do everything for everyone else they come first you matter too but we aren't going to prioritize you and we're gonna make u feel like shit for trying to do it yourself

low key bleeding out im still gonna put up my fists and swing blindly and hope i hit SOMETHING and live to tell the tale

idk i have just felt so listless and pessimistic for the last few years and ik it's cause im doing things so that im meeting the expectations and visions that others have for me since idk what that is for myself rn or maybe i never did. i let myself down but i can't let them down so even tho im+

can't allow myself to give up and be nothing and he idle i Have to do or THAT will kill me. even if i don't know why or where or how or anything at least im doing at least im moving at least im trying not to waste my potential even if i feel like i did so long ago already. even if there was none. +

or did this and i have to pretend it's cool because it's not professional to call people assholes like idk this life and world is so bitter and empty to me and I've lost my spark and whimsy and with it my joy and im honestly not sure what im bothering for but i also physically +

direction that is slowly killing me i think. and on top of it idk who i wanna do it with cause everyone i meet is so.... awful. all the time. and im tired of faking laughs and smiles for a check i wanna be comfortable in my workplace and not go home and be like wow i can't believe xyz said this +

i don't have an end goal in sight just like idk things to pass the time and give me a little reason to get up every day till i die but idk like the arts and such give me purpose and passion but i still don't know how to DO any of it and idk WHAT I wanna do and it's the lack of specifics and +

ik the reason is cause i gen struggle to see the point in anything while also putting so much purpose and belief into anything and these things contradict so hard until there's nothing left to feel and then i just continue on and on and this is why everything feels stupid cause +