I know Jesus taught us to love our enemies, bless those who curse us, and do good to those who hate us (Matthew 5:44), but he said that way before the Los Angeles Dodgers existed

I'm not charging my girlfriend for the repairs I just made on our car, but the next time we split the check at dinner, her half is going to be $800.

Social media is like sex -- it's better when you don't involve your family or Republicans.