[walks out to greet you as you pull into my circular driveway] There you are! Oh my goodness, look at you! You look so festive! Why don’t you leave your bags in the breezeway for now and come on in? A...

It has been brought to my attention that there are some members of my porcine reader-ship herd who do not realize that my column is the jewel in the Onion news-paper’s tarnished crown, and call upon the current editors to remove it altogether. My response to them is the same as it is to all readers, whether they be cut-throat nay-sayers or members of my lick-spittle sycophantry: To Hell with the lot of you! You will live longer by feasting on your own fetid night-soil than by trying to appeal to the emotions of T. Herman Zweibel!