One thing about me is that recently the water from every faucet in my home runs pure white

Here’s a secret about me—

I once spent two days

Me: Im just saying selling pasties with ‘1984’ printed on them could make you a lot of money

My boss: i understand that but this is an Applebees

thoughts on this?

Sorry, can’t hang out today. Yeah, I’m too busy not learning my lesson

I have reached peak androgyny and all is well with the world

I went to the store and multiple middle-aged women almost bumped their shopping carts into me while staring at me with shock

Those burdened by the shackles of gender norms are shocked and confused by the freedom of the transgender

i have that nirvana rizz. people can’t stay away from my aloof and peaceful vibes

Me: Yeah i just feel like no matter what i do im always anxious and unhappy at the end of the day. It’s like I’m waiting for a peace that will never come

Barista: Please just remove your card from the pin pad

“excuse me teacher, what's the most you ever lost on a coin toss?”

My manager just walked over, rubbed essential oils on my wrist and neck, said “for stress” and then walked away

I’ve got a song in my heart and a fire in my belly

my cat lets me hold her and pet her she is so good

I wake up at 3AM parched. I run to the faucet and turn it on, shoving my face underneath it. I forgot in my hurry that this was the penis faucet