One of the miracles of being stoned is that you’ll make yourself a snack, leave the room and come back to the surprise that a snack had appeared there.
November 27, 2025 at 4:11 PM
One of the miracles of being stoned is that you’ll make yourself a snack, leave the room and come back to the surprise that a snack had appeared there.
When you hear someone is “riddled” with something, the sentence never ends well. It’s never like, “Arthur got his test results. He’s riddled with charisma.”
November 20, 2025 at 5:02 AM
When you hear someone is “riddled” with something, the sentence never ends well. It’s never like, “Arthur got his test results. He’s riddled with charisma.”
Every fountain is a drinking fountain if you give zero fucks about sanitation and social standing.
November 11, 2025 at 5:36 AM
Every fountain is a drinking fountain if you give zero fucks about sanitation and social standing.
Isaac Newton hides behind his bed. Desperately quiets his breath. Sweat drips.
The doorknob turns.
That apple rolls in, back to finish the fucking job.
The doorknob turns.
That apple rolls in, back to finish the fucking job.
November 6, 2025 at 4:39 AM
Isaac Newton hides behind his bed. Desperately quiets his breath. Sweat drips.
The doorknob turns.
That apple rolls in, back to finish the fucking job.
The doorknob turns.
That apple rolls in, back to finish the fucking job.
Reposted by Jesse Fernandez
Flying Squirrel Loves It Every Time
November 5, 2025 at 11:00 PM
Flying Squirrel Loves It Every Time
Nobody self-identifies as racist. It’s like a vampire’s inability to see his reflection in a mirror: You have to learn it about yourself through other indications, like by catching yourself saying “Mmmm blood,” or “I’m not a racist, but...”
November 4, 2025 at 5:44 AM
Nobody self-identifies as racist. It’s like a vampire’s inability to see his reflection in a mirror: You have to learn it about yourself through other indications, like by catching yourself saying “Mmmm blood,” or “I’m not a racist, but...”
Just ate the absolute best cantaloupe I’ve ever had in my life. It was mediocre.
November 3, 2025 at 2:19 AM
Just ate the absolute best cantaloupe I’ve ever had in my life. It was mediocre.
Not knowing how to cook was exciting. Every ingredient was like a Chopped mystery basket ingredient. 20-year-old me was like “What am I supposed to do with pasta AND pasta sauce? Make a sandwich?”
November 2, 2025 at 12:03 AM
Not knowing how to cook was exciting. Every ingredient was like a Chopped mystery basket ingredient. 20-year-old me was like “What am I supposed to do with pasta AND pasta sauce? Make a sandwich?”
Lasagna is pasta cake.
October 30, 2025 at 7:18 PM
Lasagna is pasta cake.
Me after eating an individually packaged cookie: What a nice snack
Me after eating 30 cookies because they’re not individually packaged: What a nice snack, my stomach hurts for some reason
Me after eating 30 cookies because they’re not individually packaged: What a nice snack, my stomach hurts for some reason
October 27, 2025 at 4:03 PM
Me after eating an individually packaged cookie: What a nice snack
Me after eating 30 cookies because they’re not individually packaged: What a nice snack, my stomach hurts for some reason
Me after eating 30 cookies because they’re not individually packaged: What a nice snack, my stomach hurts for some reason
I will always regret not buying this sexy Jean-Luc Picard painting.
October 27, 2025 at 4:12 AM
I will always regret not buying this sexy Jean-Luc Picard painting.
Cats are jerks. If a cat is licking you, it’s likely just wiping cat ass hair from its tongue.
October 25, 2025 at 5:34 AM
Cats are jerks. If a cat is licking you, it’s likely just wiping cat ass hair from its tongue.
People say North Koreans are poorly educated victims of a propaganda state, but North Korea just reported its literacy rate is 110% so who’s the real dummy?
October 19, 2025 at 10:51 PM
People say North Koreans are poorly educated victims of a propaganda state, but North Korea just reported its literacy rate is 110% so who’s the real dummy?
I can’t believe “127 Hours” wasn’t called “Between a Rock and a Hard Place”
October 19, 2025 at 4:18 PM
I can’t believe “127 Hours” wasn’t called “Between a Rock and a Hard Place”
Big thanks to Apple for adding this face 😩 for all those times we need a "sad orgasm" emoji
October 14, 2025 at 5:44 AM
Big thanks to Apple for adding this face 😩 for all those times we need a "sad orgasm" emoji
Cat experts say when a cat leaves a mouse at your doorstep, they’re trying to feed you. But let’s cut the bullshit—that cat is telling you you’re next.
September 28, 2025 at 10:22 PM
Cat experts say when a cat leaves a mouse at your doorstep, they’re trying to feed you. But let’s cut the bullshit—that cat is telling you you’re next.
What if God had told Abraham to kill his son & Abraham did it without hesitation before God had a chance to tell him he was just kidding. We should all think our pranks through more carefully.
September 21, 2025 at 1:37 AM
What if God had told Abraham to kill his son & Abraham did it without hesitation before God had a chance to tell him he was just kidding. We should all think our pranks through more carefully.
Never understood why there is a happily-push-you-off-a-cliff emoji. 🤗
September 20, 2025 at 3:42 PM
Never understood why there is a happily-push-you-off-a-cliff emoji. 🤗
[reaction to fun-sized candy servings]
As a child: This is bullshit.
As an adult: Thank you for saving me from myself.
...and this is bullshit.
As a child: This is bullshit.
As an adult: Thank you for saving me from myself.
...and this is bullshit.
September 18, 2025 at 8:41 PM
[reaction to fun-sized candy servings]
As a child: This is bullshit.
As an adult: Thank you for saving me from myself.
...and this is bullshit.
As a child: This is bullshit.
As an adult: Thank you for saving me from myself.
...and this is bullshit.
I take beautiful dog head shots.
September 16, 2025 at 1:56 PM
I take beautiful dog head shots.
me: Can we name our first son Waluigi?
gf: If you don’t want kids, just say so.
gf: If you don’t want kids, just say so.
September 8, 2025 at 6:19 AM
me: Can we name our first son Waluigi?
gf: If you don’t want kids, just say so.
gf: If you don’t want kids, just say so.
Cats lick their butts because cats are self-centered assholes, so it reminds them of themselves.
September 6, 2025 at 5:04 AM
Cats lick their butts because cats are self-centered assholes, so it reminds them of themselves.
Very smart of sex cults to put the word “sex” in front to soften the reaction when they get to the “cult” part.
August 31, 2025 at 3:24 AM
Very smart of sex cults to put the word “sex” in front to soften the reaction when they get to the “cult” part.
Why do they still make original Oreos now that we have vastly superior Double-Stuffed Oreos? That’s like having access to showers but still bathing in a puddle after it rains.
August 29, 2025 at 4:50 AM
Why do they still make original Oreos now that we have vastly superior Double-Stuffed Oreos? That’s like having access to showers but still bathing in a puddle after it rains.