I walked past a bar with a bunch of coats hanging up and I thought "How nice. They're having a coat drive." Then I realized it was simply a coat rack.
December 7, 2025 at 7:33 PM
I walked past a bar with a bunch of coats hanging up and I thought "How nice. They're having a coat drive." Then I realized it was simply a coat rack.
This was my Thanksgiving
I love seeing every single member of a family on their phone at the same time
December 6, 2025 at 4:29 AM
This was my Thanksgiving
It finally happened. I saw a shirt I really wanted and it was for dogs.
December 5, 2025 at 7:17 PM
It finally happened. I saw a shirt I really wanted and it was for dogs.
There's a gun store in my hometown called Four Guns and their slogan is "we believe everyone should have at least four guns"
November 25, 2025 at 4:00 AM
There's a gun store in my hometown called Four Guns and their slogan is "we believe everyone should have at least four guns"
Whenever a Trader Joe's cashier says what I'm buying is delicious it's like stop looking at my groceries you pervert
November 15, 2025 at 10:35 PM
Whenever a Trader Joe's cashier says what I'm buying is delicious it's like stop looking at my groceries you pervert
There's a section of my closet known to locals as The Sweater Pit.
November 8, 2025 at 5:15 AM
There's a section of my closet known to locals as The Sweater Pit.
I know a grocery store playing Lisa Loeb hates to see me coming
November 5, 2025 at 6:58 PM
I know a grocery store playing Lisa Loeb hates to see me coming
It's the one night of the year you're allowed to walk around saying "bustin' makes me feel good!"
November 1, 2025 at 1:02 AM
It's the one night of the year you're allowed to walk around saying "bustin' makes me feel good!"
I think I need someone to massage my teeth
October 28, 2025 at 10:13 PM
I think I need someone to massage my teeth
Stairs are crazy. My face is next to a stranger's butt.
October 14, 2025 at 10:21 PM
Stairs are crazy. My face is next to a stranger's butt.
I know I have pretty privilege because I've never been hit by a car.
October 13, 2025 at 7:10 PM
I know I have pretty privilege because I've never been hit by a car.
I just remembered the time I briefly dated a guy who worked late hours at a restaurant. He said he was only free "after midnight."
I said, "Like the Eric Clapton song?"
He said, "I don't know what you're talking about."
He ghosted me.
I said, "Like the Eric Clapton song?"
He said, "I don't know what you're talking about."
He ghosted me.
October 13, 2025 at 5:04 PM
I just remembered the time I briefly dated a guy who worked late hours at a restaurant. He said he was only free "after midnight."
I said, "Like the Eric Clapton song?"
He said, "I don't know what you're talking about."
He ghosted me.
I said, "Like the Eric Clapton song?"
He said, "I don't know what you're talking about."
He ghosted me.
Looking back at my notes:
Idea: horror movie about how museums are boring
Please don't steal this idea
Idea: horror movie about how museums are boring
Please don't steal this idea
October 12, 2025 at 5:40 PM
Looking back at my notes:
Idea: horror movie about how museums are boring
Please don't steal this idea
Idea: horror movie about how museums are boring
Please don't steal this idea
"Wowie zowie" - me driving over any bridge
September 4, 2025 at 6:29 PM
"Wowie zowie" - me driving over any bridge
Remember this day. The day a woman at Texas Roadhouse said I was perfect.
August 31, 2025 at 9:25 PM
Remember this day. The day a woman at Texas Roadhouse said I was perfect.
I love seeing every single member of a family on their phone at the same time
August 31, 2025 at 6:22 PM
I love seeing every single member of a family on their phone at the same time
I'm the kind of person people feel like they can be their true selves around and it's a constant nightmare. Reel some of that back in.
August 4, 2025 at 10:02 PM
I'm the kind of person people feel like they can be their true selves around and it's a constant nightmare. Reel some of that back in.
I love how the instagram algorithm will serve me an account called something like tiny_baby_cocaine_sluts and then I'll click and see every person I've ever known already follows it.
August 1, 2025 at 9:07 PM
I love how the instagram algorithm will serve me an account called something like tiny_baby_cocaine_sluts and then I'll click and see every person I've ever known already follows it.
I wrote some helpful nutrition advice
"Every second of the day is an opportunity for protein and you’re wasting it. What’s that sound? All I hear is the sound of you not eating a bucket of eggs. That eggless silence is the worst sound in the world."
You Don’t Eat Enough Protein and It Sickens Me
Do you eat enough protein in a day? Don’t even bother answering, because I know the answer is no. But don’t worry, I’m kind of a protein guy. I can...
buff.ly
August 1, 2025 at 7:21 PM
I wrote some helpful nutrition advice
If anyone ever says "it's not that deep" to me I'll put them in a grave
July 18, 2025 at 9:53 PM
If anyone ever says "it's not that deep" to me I'll put them in a grave
More like Hurt Feelings Island
July 18, 2025 at 8:21 PM
More like Hurt Feelings Island
I'm sad I don't work in an office anymore because I would be taking every opportunity to ask people "can I pull you for a chat?"
July 17, 2025 at 3:44 AM
I'm sad I don't work in an office anymore because I would be taking every opportunity to ask people "can I pull you for a chat?"
I don't think people should mess with dinosaurs
July 6, 2025 at 3:45 AM
I don't think people should mess with dinosaurs
I can't believe you need fireworks when the moon is right there, idiots.
July 4, 2025 at 3:02 AM
I can't believe you need fireworks when the moon is right there, idiots.