John Mendelssohn (you / your)
@johnmendelssohn.bsky.social
I am a two-time winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Sarcasm. I reside on the southwestern tip of London, where I compose songs, take long walks along the Thames, and write six essays every week for johnmendelssohn.substack.com, to which please subscribe.
johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/10-months-... I think of former Secretary Musk as less a cheesehead than a dickhead. Leave your own impressions in the space just to the right, and a couple of picas down.
December 30, 2025 at 8:58 AM
johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/10-months-... I think of former Secretary Musk as less a cheesehead than a dickhead. Leave your own impressions in the space just to the right, and a couple of picas down.
An intimate peek into the life of a literary lyin’! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/bedraggled...
December 29, 2025 at 9:43 AM
An intimate peek into the life of a literary lyin’! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/bedraggled...
johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/putty-in-h... If you don’t read and then restack this, well, there are just no words. No adjectives. No conjunctions. No words at all.
December 27, 2025 at 8:18 AM
johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/putty-in-h... If you don’t read and then restack this, well, there are just no words. No adjectives. No conjunctions. No words at all.
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
Thanks to President Trump, we're going to have the hottest, lethalest warships like...ever!
Thanks to President Trump, we're going to have the hottest, lethalest warships like...ever!
The New Trump-Class Warships: Mutilating the Archers
A deluxe pre-MERRY XMAS (there, I said it!) special
open.substack.com
December 24, 2025 at 7:44 AM
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
Thanks to President Trump, we're going to have the hottest, lethalest warships like...ever!
Thanks to President Trump, we're going to have the hottest, lethalest warships like...ever!
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
A seasonal tale they’ll still be telling decades, if not centuries, hence!
A seasonal tale they’ll still be telling decades, if not centuries, hence!
December 23, 2025 at 8:12 AM
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
A seasonal tale they’ll still be telling decades, if not centuries, hence!
A seasonal tale they’ll still be telling decades, if not centuries, hence!
Question, Mr. Vice President. Do you still have to apologize for being a morally bankrupt suckup to a neo-fascist moron? Just asking the question!
bsky.app/profile/atru...
bsky.app/profile/atru...
JD Vance: "In the United States of America you don't have to apologize for being white anymore"
December 22, 2025 at 6:48 PM
Question, Mr. Vice President. Do you still have to apologize for being a morally bankrupt suckup to a neo-fascist moron? Just asking the question!
bsky.app/profile/atru...
bsky.app/profile/atru...
We've got to stop glorifying military service indiscriminately, brothers and sisters.
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
We Pre-Emptively Salute Those Who Will Die Defending Our Precious Freedoms Against Venezuelan Narcotraffickers
At a congressional hearing last week, Rep.
open.substack.com
December 22, 2025 at 10:03 AM
We've got to stop glorifying military service indiscriminately, brothers and sisters.
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
I Proudly Support(ed) the Homosexual Agenda
Originally published in 2009
johnmendelssohn.substack.com
December 19, 2025 at 8:27 AM
It’s the least wonderful time of the year! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/a-secret-s...
A Secret Santa Tale of Whoa
I was working at what I think it colorful to remember as San Francisco’s biggest fascist law firm.
johnmendelssohn.substack.com
December 17, 2025 at 7:27 AM
It’s the least wonderful time of the year! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/a-secret-s...
Remember how much you loved my account of King Chuck III's coronation? Well, in the words of Hal David, there's always something there to remind you! open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
December 16, 2025 at 8:22 AM
Remember how much you loved my account of King Chuck III's coronation? Well, in the words of Hal David, there's always something there to remind you! open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
Today’s little traipse down Memory Lane is so poignant you’re apt to remark, “Wow!” johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/a-gun-show...
December 15, 2025 at 9:13 AM
Today’s little traipse down Memory Lane is so poignant you’re apt to remark, “Wow!” johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/a-gun-show...
If you fail to enjoy this one, no one's going to return your calls ever again. Think about that. Think about it long 'n' hard! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/al-green-s...
Al Green Sings About Narcoterrorism
I created — such creativity!
johnmendelssohn.substack.com
December 12, 2025 at 8:25 AM
If you fail to enjoy this one, no one's going to return your calls ever again. Think about that. Think about it long 'n' hard! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/al-green-s...
You've been wondering what I regard as the single most remarkable feat in team sports. Admit it. It's nothing to be ashamed of!
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
When Is a Sport Just a Game?
And: The most remarkable team sport athletic feat, identified!
open.substack.com
December 11, 2025 at 9:12 AM
You've been wondering what I regard as the single most remarkable feat in team sports. Admit it. It's nothing to be ashamed of!
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
Today’s essay is absolute must reading for everyone who doesn’t intend to die young and gorgeous! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/oh-god-no-...
December 10, 2025 at 9:44 AM
Today’s essay is absolute must reading for everyone who doesn’t intend to die young and gorgeous! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/oh-god-no-...
Today, we visit a little country in northeastern Europe called "Latvia", from which my paternal grandmother is thought to have emigrated! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/where-gran...
December 9, 2025 at 8:36 AM
Today, we visit a little country in northeastern Europe called "Latvia", from which my paternal grandmother is thought to have emigrated! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/where-gran...
Read about my pedophilic past, if you "dare"! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/my-pedophi...
December 8, 2025 at 9:33 AM
Read about my pedophilic past, if you "dare"! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/my-pedophi...
I usually find Jo Jo a little overcaffeinated, and entirely too fond of the word "fuck", which she overuses to the point at which it loses its wallop. But I find this a glorious piece of writing. substack.com/home/post/p-...
Mother Mary Full of Shit
I so hope Karoline will appreciate MY frankness.
substack.com
December 7, 2025 at 8:36 AM
I usually find Jo Jo a little overcaffeinated, and entirely too fond of the word "fuck", which she overuses to the point at which it loses its wallop. But I find this a glorious piece of writing. substack.com/home/post/p-...
johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/i-can-almo...
Its title says it all!
Its title says it all!
I Can Almost Guarantee You'll Be Glad You Read This One
I don't always perform public service, but when I do...
johnmendelssohn.substack.com
December 1, 2025 at 8:00 AM
johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/i-can-almo...
Its title says it all!
Its title says it all!
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
Where Manhattan and Las Vegas conflate, mate! Read! Subscribe! Subscribe again!
Where Manhattan and Las Vegas conflate, mate! Read! Subscribe! Subscribe again!
Return to Benidorm, Again
Many Brits know Benidorm, only as a weird cross between Manhattan — skyscrapers beyond counting!
open.substack.com
November 28, 2025 at 8:39 AM
open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
Where Manhattan and Las Vegas conflate, mate! Read! Subscribe! Subscribe again!
Where Manhattan and Las Vegas conflate, mate! Read! Subscribe! Subscribe again!
For the first time since 1959, the left-of-centre heterosexual erotic community is being represented in the Big Parade! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/dominatric...
Dominatrices to March in the Big Parade!
We have overcome! We have!
johnmendelssohn.substack.com
November 20, 2025 at 9:47 AM
For the first time since 1959, the left-of-centre heterosexual erotic community is being represented in the Big Parade! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/dominatric...
For the first time since 1959, the left-of-centre heterosexual erotic community is being represented in the Big Parade! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/dominatric...
Dominatrices to March in the Big Parade!
We have overcome! We have!
johnmendelssohn.substack.com
November 20, 2025 at 9:46 AM
For the first time since 1959, the left-of-centre heterosexual erotic community is being represented in the Big Parade! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/dominatric...
I’ll bet you $5 that in the last 24 hours no fewer than 100 American emo and alt-[whatever] bands have renamed themselves the Quiet Piggies. open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
Dominatrices to March in the Big Parade!
We have overcome! We have!
open.substack.com
November 19, 2025 at 8:26 AM
I’ll bet you $5 that in the last 24 hours no fewer than 100 American emo and alt-[whatever] bands have renamed themselves the Quiet Piggies. open.substack.com/pub/johnmend...
Well, here I am, shrieking into the void again! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/brunch-wit...
Brunch With a Xenophobe
Mr.
johnmendelssohn.substack.com
November 17, 2025 at 8:58 AM
Well, here I am, shrieking into the void again! johnmendelssohn.substack.com/p/brunch-wit...