Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

John-Paul

@jpkeates.com

1.4K followers 2.7K following 2.3K posts

A dyslexic genius with a brian the size of a planet. Retired. Mostly jokes. Sixties British male, living in the middle. Slightly left of centre and socially awkward. #LunchPun #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Posts Media Videos Starter Packs

Pinned

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · Nov 13

Everything started to kick off, and I was about to open a can of whoop-ass, then realised it would be much nicer if I reused some of yesterday’s leftover fresh ass and quickly knocked together a new batch of whoop.

#Joke

2 14

Reposted by John-Paul

Robyn Painter @rozzypunter.bsky.social · 2h

People don't believe me when I tell them I always bump into Tom Jones on my morning commute, but it's not unusual, it happens everyday, no matter what you say. #lunchpun

1 5

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 3h

Katherine had always felt that she'd been predestined to enjoy Taylor Swifts' tour.

K's Eras era? Whatever will be will be.

#LunchPun

1 1 6

Reposted by John-Paul

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · Jan 23

Told someone a tall story about artist who had a big hit with Shaddap You Face being on a mail ship voting in the best eel competition for Ms Arquette’s entry.

You know, that old lie, Dolce, J, deck RMS, pro Patricia’s moray.

#LunchPun

1 1 7

Reposted by John-Paul

Jonathan Coe @jonathancoe.bsky.social · 1d

This morning I turned on my phone only to find that it had changed my user name to Shirley, and when I tried to enter a simple Google query it came out as "Do you like gladiator movies?"

Then I realised it was in Airplane! mode.

1 140 650

Reposted by John-Paul

Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 1d

- I've just started a new job making jewellery out of small puff pastry cases.
- Vol-au-vent earring?
- No, they pay me.

#LunchPun

2 2 14

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 1d

So many of the great classical music composers are white. But Purcell was whiter than white.

#LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 1d

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Hysterectomy - Thrown womb.

Reposted by John-Paul

Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 2d

I'll never admit that I'm still the one who keeps stopping my wife's 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman' CD, because I've got pausable Shaniability.

#LunchPun

2 9 29

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 2d

You can create the complete works of Oasis with an infinite number of mancs with typewriters.

#LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 2d

Some kind of primoregeniture I imagine.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 2d

The new doctor shows the BBC backing away from diversity again.

#DRWHO

1 2

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 3d

“From the family, a man will be made,
A sunny man, a man of war.
At the wedding, a man must choose,
To make an offer he cannot refuse.”

Cosa Nostradamus.

#LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 3d

New word of the day.

Ninjarytime - An amazing last minute winning goal.

#Newwordoftheday

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 3d

"Look at the lawman, beating up when I was your man"

Is there life on Bruno Mars?

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 4d

#ItalianFoodstuffInASongOrMovie

Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Cantuccini.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 4d

New word of the day.

Hosvittle - Food served to patients.

#Newwordoftheday

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 5d

I still think Disney missed a trick not calling their staff catering “vittles while you work”.

1 2

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 5d

We call it rapeseed oil as a liquid for cooking.

Canola isn't sold here (as far as I know) and oilseed rape is the plant that we extract rapeseed oil from.

1 1

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 6d

I value brevity, so apportioning things means allot to me.

#LunchPun

Thanks to @richardpulsford.bsky.social for the inspiration.

Reposted by John-Paul

neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 7d

#LunchPun Our local circus used to have a funny man who ran around in his orange wig and big shoes, and absolutely loved it if the crowd all spat at him.
Seriously?
Yep, as they say, every clown has a saliva leaning.

1 5

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 7d

I always cultivate mushrooms up mountains.

It’s best to hold the morel high round.

#LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 7d

New word of the day.

Friendsnip - end relationship with

#Newwordoftheday

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 7d

New word of the day.

Borgasm - routine relationship maintenance sex.

#Newwordoftheday

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 8d

"You can lead a horse to water" is a saying used by people who have never been anywhere near a horse.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 8d

God might save the King - The notional anthem.

#LunchPun

2 12