John-Paul
@jpkeates.com
A dyslexic genius with a brian the size of a planet.
Retired.
Mostly jokes.
Sixties British male, living in the middle. Slightly left of centre and socially awkward.
#LunchPun #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary
Retired.
Mostly jokes.
Sixties British male, living in the middle. Slightly left of centre and socially awkward.
#LunchPun #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary
Pinned
John-Paul
@jpkeates.com
· Nov 13
Everything started to kick off, and I was about to open a can of whoop-ass, then realised it would be much nicer if I reused some of yesterday’s leftover fresh ass and quickly knocked together a new batch of whoop.
#Joke
#Joke
January 21, 2026 at 5:12 PM
Most people find the French President's autobiography really cheesy. In retrospect, calling it I Macron was probably a mistake.
January 21, 2026 at 1:03 PM
Most people find the French President's autobiography really cheesy. In retrospect, calling it I Macron was probably a mistake.
I knew the relationship with my lover was over when I told them there were forty reasons I wanted to leave and they started emailing me suggestions to bring up the fifty.
January 21, 2026 at 12:40 PM
I knew the relationship with my lover was over when I told them there were forty reasons I wanted to leave and they started emailing me suggestions to bring up the fifty.
January 21, 2026 at 12:01 PM
She asked the barman for a single entendre. So they both had a slow comfortable screw, and then they had sex.
January 21, 2026 at 11:14 AM
She asked the barman for a single entendre. So they both had a slow comfortable screw, and then they had sex.
Reposted by John-Paul
Apparently you're not allowed to say what went wrong with Hal in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
It's PC gone mad.
It's PC gone mad.
January 20, 2026 at 3:02 PM
Apparently you're not allowed to say what went wrong with Hal in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
It's PC gone mad.
It's PC gone mad.
January 20, 2026 at 3:09 PM
January 19, 2026 at 12:01 PM
Proud to have worked out an anagram of mugs. Can’t describe how I feel, though.
January 19, 2026 at 10:40 AM
Proud to have worked out an anagram of mugs. Can’t describe how I feel, though.
Reposted by John-Paul
#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary EXPENSE: Small change left behind by one’s former spouse.
January 19, 2026 at 7:13 AM
#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary EXPENSE: Small change left behind by one’s former spouse.
Reposted by John-Paul
Me: I need a battery so I can tell the time.
Cashier: Is it for a clock?
Me: I don’t know. That’s why I need a battery.
Cashier: Is it for a clock?
Me: I don’t know. That’s why I need a battery.
January 19, 2026 at 8:05 AM
Me: I need a battery so I can tell the time.
Cashier: Is it for a clock?
Me: I don’t know. That’s why I need a battery.
Cashier: Is it for a clock?
Me: I don’t know. That’s why I need a battery.
January 18, 2026 at 12:02 PM
Reposted by John-Paul
Everything reminds me of him...
January 17, 2026 at 5:34 PM
Everything reminds me of him...
Written a movie about a controlling and abusive geologist, but they won't let me call it "The Hand that Cradles the Rocks".
January 18, 2026 at 9:00 AM
Written a movie about a controlling and abusive geologist, but they won't let me call it "The Hand that Cradles the Rocks".
It's a bit ironic that, based on their recent announcements, Reform will apparently let anyone in.
January 17, 2026 at 11:03 AM
It's a bit ironic that, based on their recent announcements, Reform will apparently let anyone in.
January 16, 2026 at 12:01 PM
January 15, 2026 at 2:06 PM
January 15, 2026 at 12:01 PM
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Just about to be drunk.
Just about to be drunk.
January 14, 2026 at 4:15 PM
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Just about to be drunk.
Just about to be drunk.
January 13, 2026 at 1:43 PM
January 13, 2026 at 12:01 PM