Lauren Flans
@laurenflans.bsky.social
I love three things: my dog, 60s/70s folk rock, and Rachel Weisz. Everything else I am merely tolerating. Check out comingoutpod.com 🏳️🌈 Sorry about all the semicolons; I can't help it.
OnlyFlans: bit.ly/flansposts
pls pay me 2 write 4 u thx 🙏
OnlyFlans: bit.ly/flansposts
pls pay me 2 write 4 u thx 🙏
Maybe they had a quickie in the janitor's closet?
December 7, 2025 at 9:51 PM
Maybe they had a quickie in the janitor's closet?
I had the same thought! But they only had the budget for one couple.
December 7, 2025 at 9:50 PM
I had the same thought! But they only had the budget for one couple.
I must investigate this piece.
December 7, 2025 at 9:49 PM
I must investigate this piece.
It's just pure asbestos.
December 7, 2025 at 9:47 PM
It's just pure asbestos.
I would NEVER make up a Taylor Swift-based pun!
December 7, 2025 at 9:47 PM
I would NEVER make up a Taylor Swift-based pun!
BAHAHAHAHAHA I did that one back when I was on Twitter 🤣
December 7, 2025 at 8:42 AM
BAHAHAHAHAHA I did that one back when I was on Twitter 🤣
Prepare to be disappointed! 😃
December 7, 2025 at 8:37 AM
Prepare to be disappointed! 😃
Wait; I just realized: this bitch literally SIGNED THE DEED TO HER HOME over to her little sister but *isn't* going to move to France to be with Portland?? Where the fuck is she going to LIVE?? *With* Horny Little Sister? She's gonna keep making her do psychotic dares; that is a terrible idea.
December 7, 2025 at 7:20 AM
Wait; I just realized: this bitch literally SIGNED THE DEED TO HER HOME over to her little sister but *isn't* going to move to France to be with Portland?? Where the fuck is she going to LIVE?? *With* Horny Little Sister? She's gonna keep making her do psychotic dares; that is a terrible idea.
Female Protagonist says because Portland missed the last dare, she's brought him a dare of her own. She gives him mistletoe and THEY SMOOCH. YAAAAYYY! YOU GUYS LIVE ON DIFFERENT CONTINENTS; THIS *DEFINITELY* WON'T FIZZLE OUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY!! The end! My phone is literally at 1% battery!
December 7, 2025 at 6:57 AM
Female Protagonist says because Portland missed the last dare, she's brought him a dare of her own. She gives him mistletoe and THEY SMOOCH. YAAAAYYY! YOU GUYS LIVE ON DIFFERENT CONTINENTS; THIS *DEFINITELY* WON'T FIZZLE OUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY!! The end! My phone is literally at 1% battery!
Now they're all going to the town Christmas tree DO NONE OF THESE PEOPLE HAVE FAMILIES OR PEOPLE THEY'RE FUCKING??? Portland gives her a shitty snowflake he made. She says she is going to come ro France for a semester BITCH; *ONE* SEMESTER?? #12DaresOfChristmas #Flansmas
December 7, 2025 at 6:55 AM
Now they're all going to the town Christmas tree DO NONE OF THESE PEOPLE HAVE FAMILIES OR PEOPLE THEY'RE FUCKING??? Portland gives her a shitty snowflake he made. She says she is going to come ro France for a semester BITCH; *ONE* SEMESTER?? #12DaresOfChristmas #Flansmas
Female Protagonist is running to the school board meeting when she DROPS ALL HER SHIT, but there's Portland to pick it up: he and Old French Guy want to help SAVE THE PROGRAM! She gives her new dare-based pitch to the board IT IS LITERALLY FUCKING CHRISTMAS DAY; WHYYY ARE THEY HAVING A MEETING????
December 7, 2025 at 6:51 AM
Female Protagonist is running to the school board meeting when she DROPS ALL HER SHIT, but there's Portland to pick it up: he and Old French Guy want to help SAVE THE PROGRAM! She gives her new dare-based pitch to the board IT IS LITERALLY FUCKING CHRISTMAS DAY; WHYYY ARE THEY HAVING A MEETING????
Back at Casa de Dead Parents, Horny Little Sister reveals to Female Protagonist that THEY MADE IT TO $10,000! Horny Ice Cream Boss donated the final thousand because - this is a direct quote - he "has made so much money off the hashtag that you made; it brought attention to his artisinal flavors."
December 7, 2025 at 6:48 AM
Back at Casa de Dead Parents, Horny Little Sister reveals to Female Protagonist that THEY MADE IT TO $10,000! Horny Ice Cream Boss donated the final thousand because - this is a direct quote - he "has made so much money off the hashtag that you made; it brought attention to his artisinal flavors."
It's the next morning and Old French Guy has apologized to Portland because he is also bipolar. Portland tells him how AMAZING Female Protagonist is and shows him the Swiftygram account LIKE AN OLD FRENCHIE WOULD CARE. #12DaresOfChristmas #Flansmas
December 7, 2025 at 6:44 AM
It's the next morning and Old French Guy has apologized to Portland because he is also bipolar. Portland tells him how AMAZING Female Protagonist is and shows him the Swiftygram account LIKE AN OLD FRENCHIE WOULD CARE. #12DaresOfChristmas #Flansmas
Then, Female Protagonist gives Horny Little Sister the deed to their dead parents' house?? What?? Where is SHE gonna live?? I mean, obviously she's gonna go to France to be with Portland, but they're still in The Dark Moment™️, so she doesn't know that yet. #12DaresOfChristmas #Flansmas
December 7, 2025 at 6:41 AM
Then, Female Protagonist gives Horny Little Sister the deed to their dead parents' house?? What?? Where is SHE gonna live?? I mean, obviously she's gonna go to France to be with Portland, but they're still in The Dark Moment™️, so she doesn't know that yet. #12DaresOfChristmas #Flansmas
The "dare" is actually just to have a hot chocolate with her sister in a different fuck-tent that I guess was where they used to hang out when they were little so I should really stop calling it a fuck-tent. Horny Little Sister tells Female Protagonist that Ice Cream Boss asked her out SQUEEEEEAL!!!
December 7, 2025 at 6:39 AM
The "dare" is actually just to have a hot chocolate with her sister in a different fuck-tent that I guess was where they used to hang out when they were little so I should really stop calling it a fuck-tent. Horny Little Sister tells Female Protagonist that Ice Cream Boss asked her out SQUEEEEEAL!!!
Back at Case de Dead Parents, Horny Little Sister (who is gonna move back from Chicago to co-manage an ice cream parlor, I guess) tells Female Protagonist that the Swiftygram account has 20k followers (NO IT DOESN’T) and gives her the final dare: rim a guy from Portland JUST KIDDING! #Flansmas
December 7, 2025 at 6:36 AM
Back at Case de Dead Parents, Horny Little Sister (who is gonna move back from Chicago to co-manage an ice cream parlor, I guess) tells Female Protagonist that the Swiftygram account has 20k followers (NO IT DOESN’T) and gives her the final dare: rim a guy from Portland JUST KIDDING! #Flansmas