Lauren Flans
@laurenflans.bsky.social
I love three things: my dog, 60s/70s folk rock, and Rachel Weisz. Everything else I am merely tolerating. Check out comingoutpod.com 🏳️🌈 Sorry about all the semicolons; I can't help it.
OnlyFlans: bit.ly/flansposts
pls pay me 2 write 4 u thx 🙏
OnlyFlans: bit.ly/flansposts
pls pay me 2 write 4 u thx 🙏
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Several people have asked if I would be doing #ChampagneProblems for #Flansmas, as if I could resist the allure of FRANCE IN DECEMBER (filmed in July)! 😍 Die hard Flansmas fans know that I usually find the Netflix originals WAY too competently-made for my liking, but we'll find out tonight... 🍾🎄
By popular demand, here is my #Flansmas thread for Netflix's #ChampagneProblems! Spoiler alert: I never figured out what I know Minka Kelly from 🇫🇷🍾🎄
Okay: tonight I am Flansmas-ing Peacock's #12DaresOfChristmas, which opens with a woman building/talking to a snowman that is made of truly the fakest looking "snow" I have ever seen. Like, the production team DGAF. #Flansmas
December 7, 2025 at 3:47 AM
Okay: tonight I am Flansmas-ing Peacock's #12DaresOfChristmas, which opens with a woman building/talking to a snowman that is made of truly the fakest looking "snow" I have ever seen. Like, the production team DGAF. #Flansmas
We all knew Quentin Tarantino was a bad person, but making Matthew Lillard feel bad is a bridge too far. He must now be exiled to a place with no feet.
Matthew Lillard reacts to Quentin Tarantino's comments about him
"Quentin Tarantino says he doesn't like me as an actor ... it hurts your feelings, it fucking sucks, and he wouldn't say that to Tom Cruise ... or a top-line actor ... It's humbling, and it hurts"
"Quentin Tarantino says he doesn't like me as an actor ... it hurts your feelings, it fucking sucks, and he wouldn't say that to Tom Cruise ... or a top-line actor ... It's humbling, and it hurts"
December 7, 2025 at 3:13 AM
We all knew Quentin Tarantino was a bad person, but making Matthew Lillard feel bad is a bridge too far. He must now be exiled to a place with no feet.
Do porn aficionados get as upset when they find out a porn video is AI as I do when I find out a dog video is AI? ☹️
December 7, 2025 at 1:50 AM
Do porn aficionados get as upset when they find out a porn video is AI as I do when I find out a dog video is AI? ☹️
Are there any more beautiful words in the English language than "Demi Lovato - Silent Night (Honda Civic Tour Holiday Special)?" 🥹
December 6, 2025 at 11:09 PM
Are there any more beautiful words in the English language than "Demi Lovato - Silent Night (Honda Civic Tour Holiday Special)?" 🥹
I change the lyrics to a lot of Christmas classics for Pierro and one of our favorites this time of year is "Do You Poop How I Poop?", a touching song in which Pierro asks all the animals in the manger if they poop the same way that he poops 🙏
December 6, 2025 at 10:51 PM
I change the lyrics to a lot of Christmas classics for Pierro and one of our favorites this time of year is "Do You Poop How I Poop?", a touching song in which Pierro asks all the animals in the manger if they poop the same way that he poops 🙏
Reposted by Lauren Flans
You want a hippopotamus for Christmas? Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you know even the FIRST thing about caring for semiaquatic mammals? Hippopotamuses are native to sub-Saharan Africa; do you really think one is gonna THRIVE in Naperville or wherever the fuck you live? You selfish monster?
December 5, 2025 at 10:05 PM
You want a hippopotamus for Christmas? Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you know even the FIRST thing about caring for semiaquatic mammals? Hippopotamuses are native to sub-Saharan Africa; do you really think one is gonna THRIVE in Naperville or wherever the fuck you live? You selfish monster?
what's all this i'm hearing about netflix eating warner bros and then going "mm yum yum more" ?
December 6, 2025 at 8:27 AM
what's all this i'm hearing about netflix eating warner bros and then going "mm yum yum more" ?
I'm watching a cheesy Christmas movie (I #Flansmas MOST but not ALL of them) and I just squealed SO loud when the two leads smooched that Pierro got up and moved to the other side of the couch.
December 6, 2025 at 6:26 AM
I'm watching a cheesy Christmas movie (I #Flansmas MOST but not ALL of them) and I just squealed SO loud when the two leads smooched that Pierro got up and moved to the other side of the couch.
Reposted by Lauren Flans
no one has ever gotten the spirit of our country as right as paul verhoeven making robocop
"Soon, CNN will run live odds on world events where its viewers can gamble on them in real time on their smartphones."
CNN Partners With a Gambling App That Lets You Wager on Starvation in Gaza
The app company’s two biggest investors are also heavily invested in the Israeli military.
truthout.org
December 5, 2025 at 11:12 PM
no one has ever gotten the spirit of our country as right as paul verhoeven making robocop
Reposted by Lauren Flans
Everybody knows what a May-December romance is, but, due to erasure, most people are sadly unaware of the existence of the May-December to Remember romance, which is a relationship between a young woman and a Lexus ❤️
December 15, 2024 at 12:53 AM
Everybody knows what a May-December romance is, but, due to erasure, most people are sadly unaware of the existence of the May-December to Remember romance, which is a relationship between a young woman and a Lexus ❤️
When I was re-reading this thread last week, I was like "Hm; I don't really remember this..." But this version of Jingle Bell Rock just came on again and Ms. Lee is in fact VERY dismissive of the jingle horse. So I stand by my original assessment.
I don't care for how Brenda Lee addresses the jingle horse in her rendition of Jingle Bell Rock 😒
December 5, 2025 at 9:07 AM
When I was re-reading this thread last week, I was like "Hm; I don't really remember this..." But this version of Jingle Bell Rock just came on again and Ms. Lee is in fact VERY dismissive of the jingle horse. So I stand by my original assessment.
Reposted by Lauren Flans
Oh my God, I was laughing at this thread for a good 45 minutes straight; so many good points, criticisms, and witticisms of Christmas music. Fucking genius. xD
Bringing this thread over from Twitter so that I can continue to add to it here: in addition to #Flansmas, one of my other seasonal passions is to listen almost exclusively to Christmas music in December, and then catalog my thoughts about it as A Jew™️ who did not grow up with these songs 🎄🎅🦌☃️🎶
December 5, 2025 at 8:04 AM
Oh my God, I was laughing at this thread for a good 45 minutes straight; so many good points, criticisms, and witticisms of Christmas music. Fucking genius. xD
There are certain genres I absolutely MUST cover during #Flansmas and one of those is "royalty falls for commoner." So tonight I will be watching #RoyallyWrappedForChristmas which involves the royal family of Veronia, a place that I googled to make SURE it wasn't real because I am bad at geography.
December 5, 2025 at 3:11 AM
There are certain genres I absolutely MUST cover during #Flansmas and one of those is "royalty falls for commoner." So tonight I will be watching #RoyallyWrappedForChristmas which involves the royal family of Veronia, a place that I googled to make SURE it wasn't real because I am bad at geography.
By popular demand, here is my #Flansmas thread for Netflix's #ChampagneProblems! Spoiler alert: I never figured out what I know Minka Kelly from 🇫🇷🍾🎄
Several people have asked if I would be doing #ChampagneProblems for #Flansmas, as if I could resist the allure of FRANCE IN DECEMBER (filmed in July)! 😍 Die hard Flansmas fans know that I usually find the Netflix originals WAY too competently-made for my liking, but we'll find out tonight... 🍾🎄
December 4, 2025 at 6:19 AM
By popular demand, here is my #Flansmas thread for Netflix's #ChampagneProblems! Spoiler alert: I never figured out what I know Minka Kelly from 🇫🇷🍾🎄
Several people have asked if I would be doing #ChampagneProblems for #Flansmas, as if I could resist the allure of FRANCE IN DECEMBER (filmed in July)! 😍 Die hard Flansmas fans know that I usually find the Netflix originals WAY too competently-made for my liking, but we'll find out tonight... 🍾🎄
December 4, 2025 at 3:26 AM
Several people have asked if I would be doing #ChampagneProblems for #Flansmas, as if I could resist the allure of FRANCE IN DECEMBER (filmed in July)! 😍 Die hard Flansmas fans know that I usually find the Netflix originals WAY too competently-made for my liking, but we'll find out tonight... 🍾🎄
Well, so far "If You Love Me (You'll Kill Santa)" is not getting the reception I'd hoped for. The most common feedback I've gotten from music publishers is "What?" and "This uses the f-word A LOT; especially for a Christmas song." Also, none of them are getting the Dorothy Parker references 🙄
Since I listen to so much Christmas music, I've decided it's high time I try my hand at writing a holiday classic! To that end, I'm excited to announce that I'm currently hard at work on a feel-good duet along the lines of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" titled "If You Love Me (You'll Kill Santa)" 🎅🪓💀
December 4, 2025 at 2:20 AM
Well, so far "If You Love Me (You'll Kill Santa)" is not getting the reception I'd hoped for. The most common feedback I've gotten from music publishers is "What?" and "This uses the f-word A LOT; especially for a Christmas song." Also, none of them are getting the Dorothy Parker references 🙄
I first learned who Lainey Wilson was during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and I have since heard a bunch of her songs on the "New Music Holiday" playlist I've been listening to and I'm sorry if this is not factually accurate but she literally seems like if you asked OpenAI to imagine a racist.
December 3, 2025 at 10:18 PM
I first learned who Lainey Wilson was during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and I have since heard a bunch of her songs on the "New Music Holiday" playlist I've been listening to and I'm sorry if this is not factually accurate but she literally seems like if you asked OpenAI to imagine a racist.
i regret to inform everyone that i once again was listening to a christmas playlist and was like "I like this song; who's it by?" and it was once again FUCKING PENTATONIX like goddammit there's a reason why these bitches are famous
December 3, 2025 at 4:40 AM
i regret to inform everyone that i once again was listening to a christmas playlist and was like "I like this song; who's it by?" and it was once again FUCKING PENTATONIX like goddammit there's a reason why these bitches are famous
Since I listen to so much Christmas music, I've decided it's high time I try my hand at writing a holiday classic! To that end, I'm excited to announce that I'm currently hard at work on a feel-good duet along the lines of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" titled "If You Love Me (You'll Kill Santa)" 🎅🪓💀
December 3, 2025 at 3:59 AM
Since I listen to so much Christmas music, I've decided it's high time I try my hand at writing a holiday classic! To that end, I'm excited to announce that I'm currently hard at work on a feel-good duet along the lines of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" titled "If You Love Me (You'll Kill Santa)" 🎅🪓💀
Sorry; you guys don't like seeing crew members in the new 4k episodes of Mad Men? Just saying you hate unions with your whole chest, damn 😒
December 3, 2025 at 2:40 AM
Sorry; you guys don't like seeing crew members in the new 4k episodes of Mad Men? Just saying you hate unions with your whole chest, damn 😒
The KPop Demon Hunters have been deported 😞
December 2, 2025 at 8:20 PM
The KPop Demon Hunters have been deported 😞
She has now been in Rome for MULTIPLE SEASONS. I am LIVID. I have NEVER SEEN THIS SHOW.
December 2, 2025 at 3:10 AM
She has now been in Rome for MULTIPLE SEASONS. I am LIVID. I have NEVER SEEN THIS SHOW.
No singer in the world has ever cared less about lyrics than Elton John. Elton John enunciates like he actively resents words.
December 2, 2025 at 2:49 AM
No singer in the world has ever cared less about lyrics than Elton John. Elton John enunciates like he actively resents words.
Reposted by Lauren Flans
I'm sure he's a nice guy and I mean NO OFFENSE, but the vibe I always get from Michael Bublé is that this is the kind of thing he texts you at 3am right before he sends a dick pic.
December 5, 2023 at 6:41 AM
I'm sure he's a nice guy and I mean NO OFFENSE, but the vibe I always get from Michael Bublé is that this is the kind of thing he texts you at 3am right before he sends a dick pic.