Lauren Flans
@laurenflans.bsky.social
I love three things: my dog, 60s/70s folk rock, and Rachel Weisz. Everything else I am merely tolerating. Check out comingoutpod.com 🏳️🌈 Sorry about all the semicolons; I can't help it.
OnlyFlans: bit.ly/flansposts
pls pay me 2 write 4 u thx 🙏
OnlyFlans: bit.ly/flansposts
pls pay me 2 write 4 u thx 🙏
Pinned
Several people have asked if I would be doing #ChampagneProblems for #Flansmas, as if I could resist the allure of FRANCE IN DECEMBER (filmed in July)! 😍 Die hard Flansmas fans know that I usually find the Netflix originals WAY too competently-made for my liking, but we'll find out tonight... 🍾🎄
By popular demand, here is my #Flansmas thread for Netflix's #ChampagneProblems! Spoiler alert: I never figured out what I know Minka Kelly from 🇫🇷🍾🎄
Bing Crosby? You mean the search engine?
December 9, 2025 at 3:49 AM
Bing Crosby? You mean the search engine?
TSA checkpoints are set up throughout all U.S. airports to make sure the bucket covers YOUR WHOLE HEAD.
The year is 2028. If you want to travel by plane, you must now be dressed in formal wear, but you also must legally have an empty bucket of KFC covering your whole head.
December 9, 2025 at 1:58 AM
TSA checkpoints are set up throughout all U.S. airports to make sure the bucket covers YOUR WHOLE HEAD.
The year is 2028. If you want to travel by plane, you must now be dressed in formal wear, but you also must legally have an empty bucket of KFC covering your whole head.
December 9, 2025 at 1:49 AM
The year is 2028. If you want to travel by plane, you must now be dressed in formal wear, but you also must legally have an empty bucket of KFC covering your whole head.
uh oh now paramount is all "grrr me hungry too" hard to keep up with all this tbh
what's all this i'm hearing about netflix eating warner bros and then going "mm yum yum more" ?
December 9, 2025 at 1:15 AM
uh oh now paramount is all "grrr me hungry too" hard to keep up with all this tbh
put "River" on your christmas playlists you cowards
December 9, 2025 at 1:10 AM
put "River" on your christmas playlists you cowards
Reposted by Lauren Flans
I don't think that we as a society have taken enough time to grieve the loss of Gwen Stefani (she's still alive; she just sucks now).
April 29, 2025 at 7:18 PM
I don't think that we as a society have taken enough time to grieve the loss of Gwen Stefani (she's still alive; she just sucks now).
Just remembered that in my dream last night I was like "You know how some people get really annoyed if you say 'ATM machine?' Well, saying 'E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial' is basically the same thing. It's redundant." And everybody I was with was like "omg you're totally right."
December 8, 2025 at 6:52 AM
Just remembered that in my dream last night I was like "You know how some people get really annoyed if you say 'ATM machine?' Well, saying 'E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial' is basically the same thing. It's redundant." And everybody I was with was like "omg you're totally right."
Wowwww the most recent episode of Pluribus is - in my opinion - the most accurate representation yet of what it feels like to still be Covid-conscious. And the funny/sad part is it's obviously completely unintentional, since the people who made it are not *themselves* Covid-conscious 🙃 Some of you ⬇️
December 8, 2025 at 6:23 AM
Wowwww the most recent episode of Pluribus is - in my opinion - the most accurate representation yet of what it feels like to still be Covid-conscious. And the funny/sad part is it's obviously completely unintentional, since the people who made it are not *themselves* Covid-conscious 🙃 Some of you ⬇️
Reposted by Lauren Flans
simply
haaaaving
an ugly divorce with Grimes
haaaaving
an ugly divorce with Grimes
simply
haaaaving
a very large glass of wine
haaaaving
a very large glass of wine
December 25, 2024 at 9:50 PM
simply
haaaaving
an ugly divorce with Grimes
haaaaving
an ugly divorce with Grimes
Movie you’ve watched more than six times with a gif. Hard mode: no Stars (Wars nor Trek), LOTR, or Marvel, Disney Animated or Pixar.
December 7, 2025 at 10:55 PM
Movie you’ve watched more than six times with a gif. Hard mode: no Stars (Wars nor Trek), LOTR, or Marvel, Disney Animated or Pixar.
Okay: tonight I am Flansmas-ing Peacock's #12DaresOfChristmas, which opens with a woman building/talking to a snowman that is made of truly the fakest looking "snow" I have ever seen. Like, the production team DGAF. #Flansmas
December 7, 2025 at 3:47 AM
Okay: tonight I am Flansmas-ing Peacock's #12DaresOfChristmas, which opens with a woman building/talking to a snowman that is made of truly the fakest looking "snow" I have ever seen. Like, the production team DGAF. #Flansmas
We all knew Quentin Tarantino was a bad person, but making Matthew Lillard feel bad is a bridge too far. He must now be exiled to a place with no feet.
Matthew Lillard reacts to Quentin Tarantino's comments about him
"Quentin Tarantino says he doesn't like me as an actor ... it hurts your feelings, it fucking sucks, and he wouldn't say that to Tom Cruise ... or a top-line actor ... It's humbling, and it hurts"
"Quentin Tarantino says he doesn't like me as an actor ... it hurts your feelings, it fucking sucks, and he wouldn't say that to Tom Cruise ... or a top-line actor ... It's humbling, and it hurts"
December 7, 2025 at 3:13 AM
We all knew Quentin Tarantino was a bad person, but making Matthew Lillard feel bad is a bridge too far. He must now be exiled to a place with no feet.
Do porn aficionados get as upset when they find out a porn video is AI as I do when I find out a dog video is AI? ☹️
December 7, 2025 at 1:50 AM
Do porn aficionados get as upset when they find out a porn video is AI as I do when I find out a dog video is AI? ☹️
Are there any more beautiful words in the English language than "Demi Lovato - Silent Night (Honda Civic Tour Holiday Special)?" 🥹
December 6, 2025 at 11:09 PM
Are there any more beautiful words in the English language than "Demi Lovato - Silent Night (Honda Civic Tour Holiday Special)?" 🥹
I change the lyrics to a lot of Christmas classics for Pierro and one of our favorites this time of year is "Do You Poop How I Poop?", a touching song in which Pierro asks all the animals in the manger if they poop the same way that he poops 🙏
December 6, 2025 at 10:51 PM
I change the lyrics to a lot of Christmas classics for Pierro and one of our favorites this time of year is "Do You Poop How I Poop?", a touching song in which Pierro asks all the animals in the manger if they poop the same way that he poops 🙏
Reposted by Lauren Flans
You want a hippopotamus for Christmas? Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you know even the FIRST thing about caring for semiaquatic mammals? Hippopotamuses are native to sub-Saharan Africa; do you really think one is gonna THRIVE in Naperville or wherever the fuck you live? You selfish monster?
December 5, 2025 at 10:05 PM
You want a hippopotamus for Christmas? Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you know even the FIRST thing about caring for semiaquatic mammals? Hippopotamuses are native to sub-Saharan Africa; do you really think one is gonna THRIVE in Naperville or wherever the fuck you live? You selfish monster?
what's all this i'm hearing about netflix eating warner bros and then going "mm yum yum more" ?
December 6, 2025 at 8:27 AM
what's all this i'm hearing about netflix eating warner bros and then going "mm yum yum more" ?
I'm watching a cheesy Christmas movie (I #Flansmas MOST but not ALL of them) and I just squealed SO loud when the two leads smooched that Pierro got up and moved to the other side of the couch.
December 6, 2025 at 6:26 AM
I'm watching a cheesy Christmas movie (I #Flansmas MOST but not ALL of them) and I just squealed SO loud when the two leads smooched that Pierro got up and moved to the other side of the couch.
Reposted by Lauren Flans
no one has ever gotten the spirit of our country as right as paul verhoeven making robocop
"Soon, CNN will run live odds on world events where its viewers can gamble on them in real time on their smartphones."
CNN Partners With a Gambling App That Lets You Wager on Starvation in Gaza
The app company’s two biggest investors are also heavily invested in the Israeli military.
truthout.org
December 5, 2025 at 11:12 PM
no one has ever gotten the spirit of our country as right as paul verhoeven making robocop
Reposted by Lauren Flans
Everybody knows what a May-December romance is, but, due to erasure, most people are sadly unaware of the existence of the May-December to Remember romance, which is a relationship between a young woman and a Lexus ❤️
December 15, 2024 at 12:53 AM
Everybody knows what a May-December romance is, but, due to erasure, most people are sadly unaware of the existence of the May-December to Remember romance, which is a relationship between a young woman and a Lexus ❤️
When I was re-reading this thread last week, I was like "Hm; I don't really remember this..." But this version of Jingle Bell Rock just came on again and Ms. Lee is in fact VERY dismissive of the jingle horse. So I stand by my original assessment.
I don't care for how Brenda Lee addresses the jingle horse in her rendition of Jingle Bell Rock 😒
December 5, 2025 at 9:07 AM
When I was re-reading this thread last week, I was like "Hm; I don't really remember this..." But this version of Jingle Bell Rock just came on again and Ms. Lee is in fact VERY dismissive of the jingle horse. So I stand by my original assessment.
Reposted by Lauren Flans
Oh my God, I was laughing at this thread for a good 45 minutes straight; so many good points, criticisms, and witticisms of Christmas music. Fucking genius. xD
Bringing this thread over from Twitter so that I can continue to add to it here: in addition to #Flansmas, one of my other seasonal passions is to listen almost exclusively to Christmas music in December, and then catalog my thoughts about it as A Jew™️ who did not grow up with these songs 🎄🎅🦌☃️🎶
December 5, 2025 at 8:04 AM
Oh my God, I was laughing at this thread for a good 45 minutes straight; so many good points, criticisms, and witticisms of Christmas music. Fucking genius. xD
There are certain genres I absolutely MUST cover during #Flansmas and one of those is "royalty falls for commoner." So tonight I will be watching #RoyallyWrappedForChristmas which involves the royal family of Veronia, a place that I googled to make SURE it wasn't real because I am bad at geography.
December 5, 2025 at 3:11 AM
There are certain genres I absolutely MUST cover during #Flansmas and one of those is "royalty falls for commoner." So tonight I will be watching #RoyallyWrappedForChristmas which involves the royal family of Veronia, a place that I googled to make SURE it wasn't real because I am bad at geography.
By popular demand, here is my #Flansmas thread for Netflix's #ChampagneProblems! Spoiler alert: I never figured out what I know Minka Kelly from 🇫🇷🍾🎄
Several people have asked if I would be doing #ChampagneProblems for #Flansmas, as if I could resist the allure of FRANCE IN DECEMBER (filmed in July)! 😍 Die hard Flansmas fans know that I usually find the Netflix originals WAY too competently-made for my liking, but we'll find out tonight... 🍾🎄
December 4, 2025 at 6:19 AM
By popular demand, here is my #Flansmas thread for Netflix's #ChampagneProblems! Spoiler alert: I never figured out what I know Minka Kelly from 🇫🇷🍾🎄