oh my god????????

i didn't believe her, because he would never lie to me! i woke up that morning, excited, but i found an empty room built in the coffin of a man who had lied to me because he loved me and wanted me to be happy, and my smug mother in the doorway saying i told you so.

i miss you, papa, despite it all.

it's a strange hollow day to me, now. the shape of it is the shape of a person who has not been here for 37 years. the scaffolding around the hole has my mother being bitter and furious with me because i still believed in santa claus (why would my grandfather lie?). she told me she would prove it.

new things*

i think it's important for everyone to keep trying to learn and experience new things. develop new skills. find an appreciation for things that are new to you. keep cracking yourself open so a little light can reach you.

i noticed that the horrors of the last few years had compressed me down into a creature who was too fearful of change to try new things anymore. it reminded me of how my mother stopped doing anything after a certain point, and considered new hostile and bad. i didn't want to become that.

they brought a fan and dehumidifier up here to try to help dry it out in there.

i had always hoped that she would come around and, if not understand, then accept and appreciate that you're doing your best to build an existence for yourself that you can actually be alive in. i'm sorry.

i love your menorah so much!

all hail the hamster whisperer and little odin! one of my cats was absolutely terrified at the shelter and couldn't be touched, but i thought she needed me. she's still nervous of strangers but so loving and snuggly with us. i'm always thrilled when other people have that kind of experience, too.