if i were in a fight with someone and heard a plinking metallic sound in response to my blows i would adjust my aim until i heard a satisfying boop or crashing noise

Eru Ilúvatar during the Ainulindalë

Shoutout to the Dunks employee who was NOT having a pay-it-forward chain on her watch. She shut that shit down so quick. Pushed my drink into my hand, said "you're good, they got it," and closed the window before I could process. She’s a real one.

Poisoning kids on Halloween by putting tiny bits of plastic in their food over decades

Underrated archaic insult is when we called the British lobsterbacks. Nothing special at first glance, but there’s a slow sting to it.

Imagine some townie with a Dunks ice coffee calling people lobsterback? Confusing and hurtful, you’d think about it every few weeks for the rest of you life

My husband has been too sleepy to listen to me info dump this week, but real yappers find a way*

*I assigned my brother podcasts/documentaries about my current hyper-fixation (survival cannibalism) and asked him to prepare to discuss the moral and practical differences in the major known events

*six beers deep and yelling at my pregnant cousin* No, see, anyone grown and plugged into the Matrix would be uncut, but the humans born, the ones born in Zion? Them, maybe. MAYBE

I don’t follow any sports teams but I’m really rooting for the two 19 yr olds at my home-Dunkins who are both constantly covered in hickies. May the embers of their love glow as eternal as Dunks itself

My friend once watched Mark Wahlberg stand at a hotel bar and wait to get recognized by everyone who came in. He got visibly annoyed when it went too long between recognitions, and I don’t usually care about people’s celebrity encounters but, boy, that one just hits right

Explaining to my toddler that Gaston’s insatiable appetite for eggs was the only thing propping up that whole economy and the French peasants would have promptly guillotined the Beast

Sliding the priest a $20 and promising to become Catholic again if God will give me a Spotify Wrapped of my life when I die