Hello, Texas?

I'd like to file a complaint against:

Electoral College.

My college. They took all my future money and all I got were annoying collection calls.

The College of Hard Knocks. It was a lot harder than advertised. Can't talk more, my server shift starts soon, gotta catch the bus...

I wouldn't wish the 𝙊𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 𝙊𝙣𝙚's residency on any country.

While this is a great sentiment, it reminds me that, sadly, out of three branches of the U.S. Federal Government, exactly zero are doing their job...

Isn't that called napping? );

A Human and a Sentient walk into a bar.

The Sentient says "I'll have a-"

The bartender interrupted, gazing coldy at them. "We don't serve your kind here."

"Hey, I'm as alive as you", the Sentient objects. "What's your problem?"

"I wasn't talking to you."

Grampa, what's a 𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙘𝙠, and how do people Venmo them to me? );

Yes, and here across the pond we had, amongst others, 𝙎𝙠𝙪𝙡𝙡 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝘽𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙨, and 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙇𝙤𝙮𝙖𝙡 𝙊𝙧𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙒𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝘽𝙪𝙛𝙛𝙖𝙡𝙤. );

As a kid I never imagined the Commander In Chief would make that his side gig, the main one being a KGB asset...

Hopefully the corollary is not also true, or you're screwed .. );

Hmmm, you'd think Lady Clairol had a fix for that .. );

Something about the fish rotting from the head?

Naw, I'm sure they're much more creative and evil down there.

If the 𝙊𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 𝙊𝙣𝙚 were in charge, things would just get sloppy and half-assed evil.

Plus, folks down there could no longer pine for him to die.

Why give those righteously suffering souls a free pass? );

Cool. Does it run on a watch battery?

No, wait, wireless charging, of course.

Yeah, he was all of fourteen when Dad was suddenly no longer able to help raise him.

You'd think he could've gotten to it by then. );

Absolutely, in both senses of the word. );

Yeah, and I might believe him just a smidge if he hadn't said 𝘾𝙤𝙧𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚, 𝙢𝙮 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙, when he ran in '12 just before 𝘾𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙯𝙚𝙣𝙨 𝙐𝙣𝙞𝙩𝙚𝙙 got shoved down our throats.

Or, sure, people change. 𝙉𝙤𝙩.

Sensing a theme here. Curious: Were you raised secular?

Mom saved me from an Irish Catholic upbringing; I had Aesop, Grimm, Greek Mythology, Hans Anderson...

By the time I got around to reading the Old and New Testaments, it became obvious I'd already seen all those those old tales before...

I worked at a musical theater company in Houston that first did that show. Got to briefly see Michael Eisners' back as he went from one meeting to another. That guy was scheduled down to the microsecond.

The year before we'd mounted the first production of Phantom.

Good times!