i need to go back to my "just rip the band-aid out" mentality like ike i used to do when i was doing better. and if i was there at some point it means i can be there again. if i was capable once then i still am :) and shit doesn't matter and nobody cares enough so i should just do already

anyway, joking aside, i decided it's great for me to write stuff out instead of just thinking about it in my head and i'll do it more from now on. i truly wanna change, it's been too fucking long and i can't take it anymore. it's either this or one day i'll beat myself until i'm disfigured

as predicted, i woke up and didn't do shit until i physically had to bc i was already late but that's alright bc i spent the past three hours listening to some self-help/motivational videos recommended by yt or ig accs and if these mediocre white dudes can do it, so can i (even if just out of spite)

i was the cutest, happiest child. then the adolescent son of my babysitter molested me when i was 7, and bc i had no idea what he was doing was wrong, as i had had no sexual education whatsoever, it went on for a while until the feeling of something being off consumed me and i threw a tantrum 1/n

ah, whatever. i need to post this somewhere lol

also if everything goes wrong i might just start making stuff out of cold ceramic bc as it turns out im quite the natural at it

anyways. i've been postponing life for a few (24) years now and at this point my procrastination has gotten so bad i'm just thinking of offing myself already bc medication isn't helping much anymore.. i just cant do shit at all ever even though i have all the help i need. how do people even do this?

i had a bunch of friends in march. then, i told one of them that i had a little bit of a crush on the guy that had rejected her back in december (also one of our friends), and a week later i had no more friends.

sure, 'liking' him wasn't a good thing and it made me a bed friend, but i had chosen +

what i need to get out of my chest the most right now is how indignant i still am over stuff that's been happening since march.

like my bio says, i have a bunch of stuff to say. this night be a safe place, so i decided to try