i tend to use mediocre as a way to express something basic but it's a lot meaner and i sound a lot more like an asshole when i do it, so from now on i will refrain from doing so and i apologize. i will become a better person

it just really fucking sucks that aside from being traumatized i also have this stupidly bad adhd whose symptoms are probably worsened thanks to all the childhood trauma! but i need to sleep so i'll talk about it some other day

outcome. even if i had told them and there had been an investigation, nothing would've happened bc the guy was a minor at the time and i had no proof. so, honestly, although i've wanted to strangle my 7yo self for "allowing" it to happen, i applaud my pre-teen self for deciding to spare my parents.

i stopped praying and told myself i would never let my parents know about it. it would hurt them too much, so i could never let it happen. this is the one thing i stick by to this day. i love them too much to ever let them know, and although it pains me to let my abuser roam free, it's the best ?/n

so my parents would find out eventually anyway and i really didn't want that. so i kept praying, nothing happened, and i became an atheist at 13 years old bc why tf would god let something like that happen to me or anyone else? i realized it was just a load of crap and it was the best thing ever lol

because i knew they would blame themselves. i think i was 11 at this point. i considered making an anonymous report bc i had heard about something like that while watching tv, but aside from having no clue how to do it, i also figured it would be easy to tell who was the victim,

it was only years later that i finally learned WHY it was wrong. it caused me so much distress that i got (further) traumatized; i remember praying to god to make me forget about it every single night. i was torn between wanting my abuser to pay, but not wanting my parents to know

when i was 7, i acted based on a gut feeling that told me something wasn't right, but then i got too ashamed to tell anyone the real reason i wanted to change babysitters exactly bc i realized it wasn't right, and i blamed myself for being stupid and not realizing sooner

saying i didn't like her and i didn't want her to babysit me anymore. even though it would complicate things, my parents fired her. i had three babysitters after that, and i'll never forget how they always did their best to find a solution whenever someone couldn't babysit me anymore.

i mean, it has come to my attention that i excel at everything i try as long as i'm willing to put in the effort.. i think that's why the universe gave me adhd. bc it doesn't matter if you're a quick learner when you try something only to never do it again. the stars knew i would be too powerful ;)

instead of doing nothing and feeling miserable all day bc of sleep deprivation

i had hopes for tomorrow but its late asf and i don't know how the day is going to play out anymore. i'll do my best though. i'll sleep in bc sleep is my main priority rn and i cannot do anything else right if i don't sleep so id rather do 1/3 of what i had to do

like fr i hope i get better so that i can repay them for everything they did but then again how can i do that if i'm jobless bc im useless and i cant be productive like other people hahahah.. hahah.. hah
not funny at all but if i dont laugh at the irony i will indeed off myself before the year ends

i swear to fucking god i didnt know having adhd would be this bad. if i had known i would've kmsd back in 2015 when i was depressed bc i didn't know what was wrong with me 😭 now i feel like it's too late bc my parents spent so much money trying to help me and the least i can do is stay alive i guess

absolutely hate how i started this and just never finished writing everything i had to say lol

to tell her because i did not intend on going after him if she didn't like the idea. so i told her first because i didn't want to keep it from her (friends tell each other stuff, right?) and he hadn't showed any interest in me, so i thought it would be mostly alright