some say when the moon rises and a cold wind blows you can still hear Kamala Harris promising to move further to the right

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet???

Because they lactose

Uni ate a whole chicken today?

i cannot believe i missed the vinyl drop of natural born losers i am kicking myself so hard rn 😭

(waking up with a reverse bear trap on my head)

Jigsaw: I want to play a...

(i start jacking off furiously)

Jigsaw: what the fuck man

me: sorry i just gotta get it out when i wake up or i'm fucked up all day

Someone got stabbed outside Red Lobster and I’m the only one who saw it