You either die young or you live long enough to look around your house and say, “You know what’s missing? Gnomes.”

I’ve said for years Republicans are always doing openly what they accuse Democrats of doing in secret. Didn’t think it would extend to the pizzagate stuff though. That was surprising!

Car alarms should be illegal, right?

By 40, you can’t summon up nouns when you need them, but you remember participating in at least two recent conversations about your minor ailments

This probably isn’t the developers’ top priority (although it should be), but I’d love to see the Bluesky app have an option to switch to the Julian calendar for those of us who reject the lies of Pope Gregory XIII

Forced to work, born to browse the Williams-Sonoma whisk section for hours.

me: oh I’d like to make that

every holiday recipe: hope you like making an assload of jam first

My whole timeline is ALIENS IN THE OCEAN but the report people seem to be referencing says specifically it’s not aliens. What’s the deal?

My dog keeps sniffing around like she smells something strange, walking like something menacing is about to descend from the sky. Is my sense of doom catching?