Director Byrd
@nuclear-botany.bsky.social
[character account inspired by Welcome to Night Vale and SCP]
In the foothills of the southern Cascade range, things get weird. Time loops, radioactive plants and fungi, and cryptids. The Nuclearbotany Department is here to help (but only with the plants).
In the foothills of the southern Cascade range, things get weird. Time loops, radioactive plants and fungi, and cryptids. The Nuclearbotany Department is here to help (but only with the plants).
Pinned
Director Byrd
@nuclear-botany.bsky.social
· Jan 27
REMINDER: We are only licensed to study plants, fungi, and algae. I understand your concern over the "weird dog" wandering around that "laughs like a human", but creepy animals are NOT our area of study. The Eukarya Department has been notified of the anomaly. Please be patient.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
Are YOU feeling ill? 🫵 Down a bottle of water like you just crawled out of the desert to rule out rabies! Problem solved.
March 5, 2025 at 3:51 AM
Are YOU feeling ill? 🫵 Down a bottle of water like you just crawled out of the desert to rule out rabies! Problem solved.
I'm pleased to announce our very first genuinely uncategorizable sample! Sample 53 is some form of organic matter but we have no idea what the hell it is! It's also spitting out beta particles like there's no tomorrow. And it appears to like ABBA. Very good sample indeed.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
March 2, 2025 at 3:10 AM
I'm pleased to announce our very first genuinely uncategorizable sample! Sample 53 is some form of organic matter but we have no idea what the hell it is! It's also spitting out beta particles like there's no tomorrow. And it appears to like ABBA. Very good sample indeed.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
Reminder to staff: we do not study extraterrestrials. Not even if they like men. Please leave that to the Humanoids Department. That includes the flirty mothman-lookin one (I see you, Kian, leave him be). We study radioactive plants & fungi ONLY.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
March 2, 2025 at 2:24 AM
Reminder to staff: we do not study extraterrestrials. Not even if they like men. Please leave that to the Humanoids Department. That includes the flirty mothman-lookin one (I see you, Kian, leave him be). We study radioactive plants & fungi ONLY.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
Please stop falling for the ancient evil entity we have. He's not even that attractive, he looks like a half-starved deer with anemia. I had hoped my researchers would have higher standards. There are hotter twinks out there, you know.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
February 24, 2025 at 4:07 AM
Please stop falling for the ancient evil entity we have. He's not even that attractive, he looks like a half-starved deer with anemia. I had hoped my researchers would have higher standards. There are hotter twinks out there, you know.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
Reposted by Director Byrd
REMINDER: We are only licensed to study plants, fungi, and algae. I understand your concern over the "weird dog" wandering around that "laughs like a human", but creepy animals are NOT our area of study. The Eukarya Department has been notified of the anomaly. Please be patient.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
January 27, 2025 at 7:27 PM
REMINDER: We are only licensed to study plants, fungi, and algae. I understand your concern over the "weird dog" wandering around that "laughs like a human", but creepy animals are NOT our area of study. The Eukarya Department has been notified of the anomaly. Please be patient.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
Notice to staff: do not interact with the microwave. It sent a guy through the floor and is possibly more possessed than it was yesterday. So maybe stay a couple feet away from it.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
February 23, 2025 at 2:42 AM
Notice to staff: do not interact with the microwave. It sent a guy through the floor and is possibly more possessed than it was yesterday. So maybe stay a couple feet away from it.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
Update on the ancient force of pure evil: it seems to have seduced the head of the Ethics Committee. Look, I know the thing looks like a hot twink but it’s literally a god of destruction. Can you guys not? Unprofessional.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
February 20, 2025 at 11:28 PM
Update on the ancient force of pure evil: it seems to have seduced the head of the Ethics Committee. Look, I know the thing looks like a hot twink but it’s literally a god of destruction. Can you guys not? Unprofessional.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
The face of betrayal. I refused to give her a slice of the tangerine which she hated the smell of, did not want, and was not offered. This appears to have offended her to the highest degree.
February 16, 2025 at 7:13 PM
The face of betrayal. I refused to give her a slice of the tangerine which she hated the smell of, did not want, and was not offered. This appears to have offended her to the highest degree.
Who released an ancient eldridge being of pure evil and why is it gay? What did you guys do? No you can’t date it. I don’t care if it’s hot, put it back.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
February 14, 2025 at 5:49 PM
Who released an ancient eldridge being of pure evil and why is it gay? What did you guys do? No you can’t date it. I don’t care if it’s hot, put it back.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
Uncooked instant white rice is the cheapest, fastest acting, and most effective nausea medication. Feel free to test this hypothesis.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
February 14, 2025 at 5:46 PM
Uncooked instant white rice is the cheapest, fastest acting, and most effective nausea medication. Feel free to test this hypothesis.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
New rule: shit-talking CERN’s Large Hadron Collider is prohibited in the Nuclearbotany building. She is an immensely powerful machine and a marvel of science. Slander against her is not conducive to our work environment.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
February 13, 2025 at 7:06 PM
New rule: shit-talking CERN’s Large Hadron Collider is prohibited in the Nuclearbotany building. She is an immensely powerful machine and a marvel of science. Slander against her is not conducive to our work environment.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
Researchers, which one of you released the Cordyceps? And are we COMPLETELY sure it can’t infect humans?
It’s against site policy to start a zombie apocalypse. Please refrain from doing so.
-Director Byrd
It’s against site policy to start a zombie apocalypse. Please refrain from doing so.
-Director Byrd
February 13, 2025 at 1:21 AM
Researchers, which one of you released the Cordyceps? And are we COMPLETELY sure it can’t infect humans?
It’s against site policy to start a zombie apocalypse. Please refrain from doing so.
-Director Byrd
It’s against site policy to start a zombie apocalypse. Please refrain from doing so.
-Director Byrd
Notice: the Nuclearbotany Department now has a cat. Her name is Lucky. Please refrain from petting her, she WILL start levitating. Where she came from isn’t important.
Unrelated, if the greater Eukarya Department asks, none of you have seen her and she’s not here.
-Director Byrd
Unrelated, if the greater Eukarya Department asks, none of you have seen her and she’s not here.
-Director Byrd
February 12, 2025 at 1:40 AM
Notice: the Nuclearbotany Department now has a cat. Her name is Lucky. Please refrain from petting her, she WILL start levitating. Where she came from isn’t important.
Unrelated, if the greater Eukarya Department asks, none of you have seen her and she’s not here.
-Director Byrd
Unrelated, if the greater Eukarya Department asks, none of you have seen her and she’s not here.
-Director Byrd
I'd like to announce that the lichen sample RB-L35 has successfully been trained to mimic sounds.
I regret to announce that someone taught it to recite the Treaty of Versailles in Spanish and it will NOT stop. Please someone take it. It's been two hours. I'm hearing colors. Please.
-Director Byrd
I regret to announce that someone taught it to recite the Treaty of Versailles in Spanish and it will NOT stop. Please someone take it. It's been two hours. I'm hearing colors. Please.
-Director Byrd
February 10, 2025 at 4:07 AM
I'd like to announce that the lichen sample RB-L35 has successfully been trained to mimic sounds.
I regret to announce that someone taught it to recite the Treaty of Versailles in Spanish and it will NOT stop. Please someone take it. It's been two hours. I'm hearing colors. Please.
-Director Byrd
I regret to announce that someone taught it to recite the Treaty of Versailles in Spanish and it will NOT stop. Please someone take it. It's been two hours. I'm hearing colors. Please.
-Director Byrd
Reposted by Director Byrd
my analysis is that you can get away with not paying your bill for a really long time but eventually the power company will send somebody to shut your lights off
February 10, 2025 at 3:21 AM
my analysis is that you can get away with not paying your bill for a really long time but eventually the power company will send somebody to shut your lights off
Reminder to researchers: Please do not update ANY operating systems, they MUST remain Windows Vista. Half of our necessary software isn’t supported by anything newer and Lord knows we don’t need AI learning about radioactive plants.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
February 7, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Reminder to researchers: Please do not update ANY operating systems, they MUST remain Windows Vista. Half of our necessary software isn’t supported by anything newer and Lord knows we don’t need AI learning about radioactive plants.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
I have successfully replaced the building’s stupid wireless AC system that kept breaking with the temperature controls from a 2003 Toyota Tacoma. You’re welcome, researchers.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
February 3, 2025 at 4:04 PM
I have successfully replaced the building’s stupid wireless AC system that kept breaking with the temperature controls from a 2003 Toyota Tacoma. You’re welcome, researchers.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
I’m pleased to announce that no anomalies have escaped today! This is the first time in recent memory that this has been true.
It also happens to be the first time Charlie has taken a sick day.
Completely unrelated.
-Director Byrd
It also happens to be the first time Charlie has taken a sick day.
Completely unrelated.
-Director Byrd
February 1, 2025 at 8:43 PM
I’m pleased to announce that no anomalies have escaped today! This is the first time in recent memory that this has been true.
It also happens to be the first time Charlie has taken a sick day.
Completely unrelated.
-Director Byrd
It also happens to be the first time Charlie has taken a sick day.
Completely unrelated.
-Director Byrd
Unfortunately, our site computer “GOOSY” has filed a resignation letter with the HR department. HR is currently trying to figure out what they meant by this and what actions are even possible to take in response.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
January 31, 2025 at 2:48 AM
Unfortunately, our site computer “GOOSY” has filed a resignation letter with the HR department. HR is currently trying to figure out what they meant by this and what actions are even possible to take in response.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
Notice to Nuclearbotany researchers and staff: I have a sample of C. elegans (roundworms) and I don’t know what to do with them. The department is not licensed to study them. If anyone wants a bunch of tiny worm pets, please contact me. The greater Eykarya Department doesn’t want em.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
January 29, 2025 at 4:13 PM
Notice to Nuclearbotany researchers and staff: I have a sample of C. elegans (roundworms) and I don’t know what to do with them. The department is not licensed to study them. If anyone wants a bunch of tiny worm pets, please contact me. The greater Eykarya Department doesn’t want em.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
Please stop filling the toxic chemical storage cabinets with expensive wine.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
January 29, 2025 at 4:19 AM
Please stop filling the toxic chemical storage cabinets with expensive wine.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
I would like to request that the coffee machine NOT be used in any more experiments on fungi, radioactive or not. Unless you’re willing to buy me a new one. Thank you.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
January 28, 2025 at 2:27 PM
I would like to request that the coffee machine NOT be used in any more experiments on fungi, radioactive or not. Unless you’re willing to buy me a new one. Thank you.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
We are not licensed to study slime mold. Please transfer all samples of “Slippery Oatmeal Buddy” to the greater Eukarya Department. It is not radioactive and not a plant or fungus, despite its name, and it is therefore not our department. You may keep ONE sample as a pet if you must.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
January 28, 2025 at 4:56 AM
We are not licensed to study slime mold. Please transfer all samples of “Slippery Oatmeal Buddy” to the greater Eukarya Department. It is not radioactive and not a plant or fungus, despite its name, and it is therefore not our department. You may keep ONE sample as a pet if you must.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
The particle accelerator is vital to the function of the department and I will not be turning it off. It must remain in operation at all times, as per our policy. Also I don’t want to deal with the consequences of shutting it off. I am not legally allowed to elaborate.
- Director Byrd
- Director Byrd
January 27, 2025 at 10:50 PM
The particle accelerator is vital to the function of the department and I will not be turning it off. It must remain in operation at all times, as per our policy. Also I don’t want to deal with the consequences of shutting it off. I am not legally allowed to elaborate.
- Director Byrd
- Director Byrd
Management has agreed to NOT shut the power off. However, it will implement a power-conservation plan where each department may spend one point three (1.3) Gigawatt of power per forty eight minute block. Please do not use the lights while the particle accelerator is on.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd
January 27, 2025 at 10:48 PM
Management has agreed to NOT shut the power off. However, it will implement a power-conservation plan where each department may spend one point three (1.3) Gigawatt of power per forty eight minute block. Please do not use the lights while the particle accelerator is on.
-Director Byrd
-Director Byrd