Oh I'm itchy and my tongue is fat. Okay goodnight it's benadryl nap time

—but it's FINE guys!!! The smell of peanut butter toast from the kitchen is making me lightheaded. Happy holidays.

—and also he feeds my dog peanut butter without telling me and also he doesn't like that i keep all my nut-free snacks selfishly to myself so why don't i share the sunflower seed butter cookies i made just for myself when HE bought nutter butters for the WHOLE family and—

—and also he uses the sponge that we clean the dishes with instead of a disposable paper towel, so there's probably a lot of peanut residue on all the dishes that i use—

—and guys it's SO hard to be careful guys it's not his fault that he's really really really bad at remembering to clean up the spoons & knives he uses from it—

Anyone: (says anything)
Me: