i miss her so much

a well meaning friend asked me if she was coming to visit for christmas and i said no and i felt so crushed in a way i hadn’t expected.

like i didnt know it bothered me until he asked

ill be okay now. my gf was really supportive when i was home, and while my throat is a little sore, ill be okay

but im never grocery shopping on a friday night again. fuck that

i did make sure to tell her about what happened. part of me wanted to not worry her, but i knew it was important that i did tell her.

she’s not here. she doesnt know whats happening. knowing things are bad is better than knowing nothing at all

through it all though, there was one bright spot

while i was shopping, my phone pings and its my girlfriend saying simply

“hey ily”

completely unprompted. filled my heart with so much warmth

i was so fucking embarassed that i lost it, but laying it out like this its no wonder i broke down. death by a million cuts

i eventually got home and got in the shower and washed the rest of the crying out of me

i eventually found a spot a full street over from my apartment and i had to carry a bunch of heavy groceries uphill. the whole time i was still sobbing and crying, but trying to keep quiet

eventually i boiled over and i just started yelling and sobbing because i didnt know what else to do. just crawling around my neighborhood crying because what else could I do. a million little things plinked away at me until nothing was left

then traffic was bad. multiple instances of being cut off or slowing down to a crawl

then trying to find a parking space was impossible. i watched spots i saw get sniped in front of me, and parallel parking attempts were aborted while i had people stopped behind me stressing me out

it was bitterly cold out, i’d been up since 6am, and i already was redlining, but managing.

on the way home i intended to drop off a package i needed to mail, but the post office lobby was closed

when i clocked out of work i already was feeling off. just kinda bleh and restless. i had decided tho to go get groceries after work

at the store about 1/3 of the things i wanted werent available. i had a jar break while i was doing self checkout and i felt everyone looking at me when it happened

omg my cute girlfriend!!!!!!!

okay but that sweater kicks ass and I want one

i feel lonely, sad, and miserable and I have to go to sleep so i can go to work tomorrow

i hate this

it didnt help that this came after id been talking about how ive realized how lonely ive felt in recent years and how i want to stop hating the holidays, but the people i want to spend them with are so far away

being told “you make yourself small to fit into relationships with other people” just fucking ruined me. read me for fucking filth. i felt so mad and embarassed

I'm gonna try to have it up before the year's over. That seems reasonable.

It's a reminder that I used to be in a much MUCH worse place than I am today, but also that writing and art give me so much catharsis. The fact that I can write something like this is really important to me, and is probably the best way for me to express my feelings sometimes.