no, things would be easier without him

maybe someday in the future it'll be different. i'll get to be the person i want to be for a little bit before I die. that's my hope, anyway

i don't know what my point is. i don't know what I want, what i'm afraid of. what i'm waiting for. so i just do the same thing every day. wake up, eat breakfast, get ready for the day, go to work/run errands/fix something, walk through an emotional landmine, repeat. every day.

maybe it's just winter talking. nah, this whole year was like this. facing unfathomable challenges on multiple fronts. navigating the pain of myself and of others. it was too much. it's still too much, even if it doesn't sting like it used to in the beginning.

but it's not like i haven't been here before. this used to be me all the time. it's similar to that pain that made me saffi. and if i can survive to this point again. maybe I can fight to get what I want again

i used to say that if I truly wanted something, i would do the work to make it happen. i believed it because I made a hell of a lot happen. but now there are so many things to consider. I can't just live for myself anymore, i have to watch for everyone's toes.

but this year has asked a lot of me. too much maybe. i'm tired, i'm always sick now, might be like this forever. it's not that I don't have any fight left in me, but i don't know if i can follow through with my (metaphorical) punches these days. maybe i fear the consequences now

she's a reaction to the pain i felt for all those years, and I'd hoped i'd stop needing her once I got my shit together

oh?

it's so fucking complicated

if it was simple i would just leave

she's allowed to be emotional, to cry in frustration. i don't deny her those feelings. but when I do it i'm too sensitive. i need to stop crying and pouting and making such a big deal or whatever. it's all just so unfair.

i'm sure she's just (oblivious/distracted/forgetful/stressed/depressed/anxious, pick one) but like, so am I!

she should understand the need for sanctuary and recovery, so why do I have to feel bad for asking for it? because she can't stand when I find comfort outside of her?? idk