I would authorize bombing the eastern portion of the Kremlin at this point.

Elias for Attorney General. Obviously.

We need a national strike.

Donald Trump and JD Vance are traitors.

More Americans should be concerned that Vladimir Putin has taken over the actual White House. Especially Americans who happen to be members of Congress.

Once Putin, Trump and Musk are dead, the entire United States is going to need a thorough de-MAGAfication. A Congressional committee seems like it would be in order.

I will have further remarks about our self-appointed King Donald later on.

The AP and other major news outlets are welcome to attend, of course.

Since Kathy Hochul, who apparently did not receive the widely-circulated memo entitled "Do Not Obey In Advance," has decided to not remove Adams as Mayor of New York City, I have decided to remove Hochul as Governor of New York.

It's an "official act."

Do the American people really need more change to the legal framework underpinning everything our country relies upon right now?

No, they do not.

Based on real current events in Delaware, I have consulted with my advisors in the Fake Situation Room. They have suggested renaming the state Delawhat.

I urge Congress to act by making incorporation federal under the Treasury and eliminating every state's incentive to promote fraud and deceit.

It is imperative that Congress take action that it should have taken long ago: by making Washington, D.C., Puerto Rico, Guam and the U.S. Virgin Islands the 51st, 52nd, 53rd, and 54th states.

I am fake-ordering the formation of a Not-Presidential Commission on Oligarchy with members including:

1. Jeffrey A. Winters, Northwestern Professor
2. Gabriel Zucman, UC Berkeley Professor
3. Former Labor Secretary Robert Reich
4. Jed Rakoff, U.S. District Judge
5. Masha Gessen, NYT Columnist

My Not-White House would be holding press conference after press conference to explain which "Country" the Orange Impostor is really serving when he says "He who saves his Country does not violate any Law."

My fellow Americans, tonight I come to you with news that no non-President ever wants to deliver. Our nation is under attack. The truth of the matter is that this attack has been ongoing for some time, but in the form of an information war, not a traditional war.

The Situation Room needs to start calling Donald Trump every night at 3:00 A.M. to get him out of bed just because he deserves it.

Every day he pretends he is in office, he is the emergency.

If you work for the impostor Trump Administration in any sort of appointed position, obviously, resign.

Starting with Pam Bondi.

As our health care infrastructure suffers under the impostor Trump Administration, the best thing you can do to protect yourself from a future pandemic is to make sure that you have some masks at the ready.

N95 are the best.

You can also use non-governmental tools such as data.wastewaterscan.org.

The United States of America is full of brilliant, incredible people. The experiment is too successful and too important to the future of mankind to be destroyed by a couple of ignorant and petty thugs.

We will prevail.

My fellow Americans, good evening.

I'm glad to be able to join you tonight on Bluesky. As your Shadow President, I intend to begin building my Shadow Cabinet right away to help me make the important decisions that these challenging times will require.