i will be more than happy to say goodbye to this year. i always thought it couldn't get any worse than the year i found out about Lucy's death, but i sure was fuckin wrong

this, this uniquely difficult cruel year was the worst year of my life thus far

i need someone to show me how to put my soul back together

i know i've said it before but i feel like it just bears stressing. no matter what i do, no matter how many steps i take or little victories there are my soul just feels so broken in a way that it never did

and that just makes me so sad. i don't know when i became this

i've already learned and i know that placing too much on obligations to the dead can do more harm than good but honestly even still sometimes i'll just look around and i get so frustrated.

i still have so much to make good on to those two and i feel like i'm so far and nothing's changing

can't get it twisted and just focus on the things i've lost. in the end i can bitch about how painful and difficult all of this has been all day long, but it really has taught me a lot and that's gotta be worth something

i mean it's probably more than just loss, it's probably a trauma thing too, but it's come together to make this perfect awful cocktail of "i have to do this or bad things happen"

"i always just want to feel like i've done everything i can."

you know, looking back, i think i've really been conflating what Lucy taught me, and what her death (and Ravi's) taught me. even now i feel this pull to go further in trying to help others than anyone should reasonably expected to do

well, that one got the tears going for the first time in a hot min

i miss the sina who was so radically optimistic and determined that she thought she could change all of it. and i hate that i know in my heart i can never be that again

and that just like back then, i’ll never see any form of justice against the person who did this to me

my narrative identity truly is so shattered. i used to make sense of my present and future in terms of "i am working towards this goal," and once i achieved that goal, i made sense of the past in that it was all in service of that

now i can't make sense of future or past. life simply -

i oughta call it a night and stop dwelling on shit

everyone says i shouldn’t blame myself, that i was a victim, but fuck, the more i reflect the more stupid i just feel.

i’ve let her just take and take and take for my entire adult life and now even my soul is not the same

i feel so pathetic and still im not even sure this is over

damn i really like this layout it kinda makes me mad i don't go by sina everywhere on the internet anymore
my name is so pretty! what the hell!

i really do keep asking myself why i just kept letting someone who has taken so much of my life just take their anger out on me

if i had just known better, even once. my spirit wouldn't be so broken

and still she had the audacity to say
"you just get to keep living like nothing happened"

why is that last post getting so many likes from randos the whole point of this is to have LESS people perceiving me 😭

figured using another account to vent about things made sense. people don't gotta see it when they wanna and u can mute this one at anytime