and i just really hope next year isn't so hard. i almost called it quits twice this year and i truly don't want to be driven to that again

despite how nihilistic and pessimistic i sound sometimes, i really do want to live
i want all of this to have meant something

i still don't have a clue what i'm doing. still don't have any clue how to make sense of anything that has happened to me or how it fits in the grander scale of my life

but i really, really hope that this time next year i'll have a little more of an idea

i don't want to be a "broken" person! i have always been lost, but i have never stopped wanting and *trying* to find my way

i don't want to be this! but i just, i don't know how anymore

the phrase "late-stage sina" pops into my head a lot and that's kinda insane but i guess it speaks a lot to the way my mind frames things

i don't know. bro i gotta get back in therapy

i know that things take time and you have to enjoy the day to day and the journey but lord knows i'm so fucking bad at that

and suffering setback after setback, yeah, it's so hard

and because of it, right now, i just feel like i'm letting all of them down. maybe everyone in general

her legacy, ive overlooked these coping mechanisms and behaviors that aren't even what she'd want me to do

i still havent figured out the balance. i still want to go further to help others and be kind. but, though it's took time to realize, i also gotta be kinder to myself

this hasn't been working

even knowing full well the situations it leads to. taking on people's anger, making myself feel like shit

i'll tell myself, "i'm just one person," and my inner voice will go, "well, that's just an excuse."

all because loss has made me feel like i have to. i think in my desperation to live up to

why didn’t i love you more

i wish i had loved myself more. i wish more people had appreciated me for who i was, what a virtue that was
i wish i could tell myself how wonderful i was

and i know that i am still wonderful and beautiful. but i think loving myself is so much harder now because i see so much that is compromised

my narrative identity before was always so consistent. even when i went through terrible things i could make sense of them in the context of the story i was telling myself and where i thought it was headed

now i just. don't have the slightest clue
none of the pieces fit

does not make sense. my life and my soul has come apart to such an extent that i don't know what any of that was for anymore, and by the same token, i don't know what anything i'm doing right now is for, either

and that's so difficult and scary because i have never felt it before

yeah but it doesn't feel like me in quite the same way

looking back it really sucks that i made the switch to Nyxi to try and put some distance between my online life and real life and reclaim some privacy, just for that to not work at all

feels like i just folded immediately for absolutely zero gain