If I'm being honest, I've made so many jokes about faking my death that now faking my own death is no longer a viable option.

If you need to cross the country while watching porn, do it while you still can.

“if he wanted it, i’d give him the shirt off my back”

—me, (in an itchy shirt)

If you knew everything about the universe billions of years ago, you could have predicted the future perfectly. You would know everything about the future, including that one day I would be born, with my unshakable belief in free will.

Optimist: The project is half done.

Pessimist: The project is only half done.

Intern: Yup I'm about to start the project.