changed the way I saw myself and interacted with others if I had known that about myself when I was young, and accepted it as a good thing, rather than a failure to properly "perform" my gender as I thought I should.

3/3

I had not learned the lessons about myself that I should have learned when I was young.

Now I am neither young nor beautiful, but I finally realise I always had the ability to be "handsome" and "striking" (in the sense of "a handsome woman") and I can't help but wonder how that would have
2/3

*In a "spontaneous witchcraft rituals"/"argues with the audiobook – for half the duration of the book"/"Adopts the vacuum as a pet"/"decides to get a tattoo of a dragon on a bicycle because it's Friday" kind of way.

enjoying the sensation of feeling *something* and thinking it's harmless because nothing is going to happen, and remembering that it *is* problematic and I really do need to get over it.

I should be over it already. It would help if she found someone else. Or if I did, but that's never gonna happen

not a character in mine. I'm just stuck on repeat as far as she's concerned. I think I've gotten over this stupid limerence and can get back to being my normal, heartless self, and them something flips in my brain and I'm right back to hanging on her every smile.

And then I vacillate between

the other day, and asked what I was smiling about—within earshot of her. If it was one of *those* movies or books it would probably be adorable. But it's not. It's a glitch in the program that is inconvenient, inappropriate and impossible to accommodate.

I'm not a character in her story, and she's

There should just be an "I read credits" option in settings that runs the credits in full every time

And it's not even my job to do this, but no one else seems capable of even trying.

But the water is lapping over my head, and all I want to do right now is sink to the bottom and rest awhile.

But next year is just around the corner...

I feel like I've spent every last drop of energy I have trying to keep everyone afloat even though we're all just barely treading water, and I don't know if I can keep it up for another year when there are even more holes in the boat. I'm almost sure I can't do it, because I'm dropping so many balls

or letting them fail because I *wasn't* responsible for them. And I know everyone is thinking "If you just take on the responsibility you'll rise to the occasion."

But I won't. It's literally beyond me. I'll just be in a position where it's officially my fault, rather than metaphysically.

And stressing out about all the things that will fall over because no one else is doing them either, because *someone* needs to step up, and I'm not doing it...

And I feel like I'm stuck choosing between letting things fail because I *was* responsible for them, 👇

But it's not something I want to do, and it's not something I'm capable of doing well. I already have more balls than I can competently juggle, and I'm dropping them all the time. So I'm stressing out about all the ways I *am* failing, and stressing out about all the ways I *could* fail, 👇

I don't know. Is it too much to ask for unrequited love?

I'd like to think I could manage at least that, even if I'm not capable of real human relationships.

And there's nothing quite like the thought pattern that goes from "oh, I know I don't stand a chance with her, but it's nice to know I'm capable of normal human emotions" to "oh, wait, no I'm not. I'm just as heartless as I always feared, but I'm also getting a dopamine hit off imagining I'm real."👇