In case anyone is wondering what exactly is going on...

These are ringers (North Australian cowboys) wrangling a bull. But instead of horses with lassos, they ride dirt bikes & take the bull down on foot using their bare hands.

Nowadays, when I get to feeling low, I think about the future. A future where I don't feel down. A future where I'm glad I decided to stay alive. Where things are better & I'm happy.

And I think about how that future can't come to be unless I live to see it.

Pretty much confirmed that my gastritis getting so bad was the cause of my heart freaking out. Not only do nerves from both organs run close together (so problems in one can cause problems in the other), but the pain I was in was stressing my system out, & my heart was reacting to that.

I'm not scared of death nor the nothingness that comes after. I'm only scared of leaving my wife & kids with pain from my early departure. And to be totally honest, I'm also scared of the suffering that may precede my death.

If I have to go, I just want to go peacefully w/the chance to say goodbye.