So what now? I'm still stuck trying to figure out what to get her.

I have some ideas, but they don't seem to exist. I want to come up with something heartfelt.

Panicked searching.

Nothing.

More searching.

Panic.

Worry.

I'm the worst.

I hate the holidays.

I hate myself.

Which, yeah, I guess I have. I won't see her until Monday, so there's a little time. But I still don't know what to get her.

I texted my closest friend looking for support and got "well, I made a list," so that was a waste of time. As usual, I'm on my own. Friends are overrated.

I do that a lot. But it's also not the first time I've stressed about it so much and have put it off for so long that I've screwed myself.

I haven't fully screwed myself just yet. But it's close. And I'm really worried now about buying something that makes it look like I procrastinated.

It's like I expect that if I let myself get too close to someone that rejection will be inevitable.

Have I reached a point where I'm just happy for someone to spend time with me? It's like I don't expect things to ever go beyond me being a comet.

...that if I'm still holding back and staying closed off, then maybe I'm not being fully honest with myself about my needs and desires.

I don't know.

It's hard to find a lot of appeal in the world right now, single or otherwise. It feels like yet another part of the world where I don't fit in
9/9

It's easy to tell where my interest lies - if I didn't hyperfocus on them early on, then it's just someone in killing time with.

Is that a good thing? A bad one? Morally ambiguous? I don't know. We're all consenting adults and we're not actively misleading each other.

I think, though... 8/

And to be honest, even if I did, I feel pretty sure that I'm not going to find it in flyover country.

I'm proud of myself for being open to new & diff relationship experiences, but I still feel very alone and empty inside.

I miss that rush of excitement and hyperfocus when I meet someone new. 7/

Am I really even solo poly? Or am I just multiple FWBs in a trench coat?

Am I limiting myself to the kind of relationship that I think I deserve - something built on sex with lots of easy escape routes?

It's hard to convince myself that I deserve serious romance. 6/

romantic love. T told me she loved me, but I didn't/couldn't reciprocate, it became a wedge.

I spend a lot of time daydreaming about D and thinking about what closing that gap or moving to be with her would look like. Is it love? I don't know. 5/

Understanding more about my flavor(s) of neurodivergence has taught me about hyperfocusing on people, limerence, and to pick up on patterns from past relationships.

I've had another sleepless night so thoughts are bouncing around a bit like pinballs, but I question if I'm still capable of 4/

And where am I? Several years of serial monogamy, anxious avoidance, and now this polyamorous adventure.

I don't know if I've been in love with anyone since her. Some days it feels as lonely as it did on the nights when I listened to her cry herself to sleep after we agreed to split. 3/

I thought She was going to be the one I stayed with, but the combination of several factors led to some poor decision-making on my behalf.

She moved back to the town where we first met. I stayed to finish grad school. She met someone, got married, and had the 2 kids we had decided we didn't want 2/

Oh, and 3. Why am I hanging on to looking for texts back from her as some kind of validation? I feel like I'm starting to get a little codependent again, and I don't like it. It only leads to me becoming more anxious and more clingy and those are not good things.

what we want our relationship to look like, and limiting how much we label it as a "Relationship" right now. There's a lot of feelings and also uncertainty right now.

I can be prone to being a bit smothering at times, so I'm fighting my instincts. I can only do so much from 1000 mi away.

2. How do I best support someone LD when they're having a rough week?

I want to do something nice for someone I know is having a stressful week, but I'm afraid that I'm going to screw it up.

Is sending flowers and a message of support too much? I want to be there for D, but we've also talked abt

1. Why do I keep being drawn to long distance relationships?

My parents split when I was little, and Dad was long distance thanks to his job. Weekends together were few due to his work sched, but there were plenty of phone calls.

Is there a parallel there? Sure, but idk if it's intentional?

Many thanks for the positive words!

It's not been an easy journey, and there are things I wish I could have done differently along the way. The understanding I have now, however, is invaluable.

...in the knowledge that she still accepts me and values me for who I am in the present, flaws and all.

Do I want to make myself better? Absolutely, I want to hide and eliminate some of my poorer traits, but practicing that radical acceptance makes me better, too. That's what I need to remember.