Among the weirdest of feelings is being told that you might have been the victim of a crime over a year ago, and you need to send your information to a detective to find out for sure.

And the immediate recoloring of previously happy memories to something else.

And I’m not doing Air B&B anymore.

Have you asked me what I’m proudest of?

Having adult money but lacking adult impulse control means receiving a box of 32 of your favorite foreign candy bars in the mail. I am ashamed, but I’m not sorry.

Can someone teach me how to do witchcraft? I just feel like it couldn’t hurt.

In the alternate universe where Kamala won, I imagine the hosts on Fox News are outraged that she laughed too loudly at a remark that wasn’t really all that funny, considering. They’re saying she’s eroding the World’s respect for the USA, or something.

I’m gonna say something mean, but I only stoop to attacks on physical appearance in specific circumstances. Eroding my country’s democracy and actively assisting a dictator qualifies.

I can’t look at Karoline Leavitt. She has her nose set to M for mini when it should be set to W for wumbo.

Senator Cory Booker, his voice still booming after more than a day spent on the Senate floor railing against the Trump administration, surpassed Strom Thurmond for the longest Senate speech on record, in an act of astonishing stamina that he framed as a call to action. nyti.ms/4iXMx8m

Hey, fellow adults: I thought we all were in agreement that if you’re bringing birthday invitations to your preschooler’s school, you’re inviting THE ENTIRE CLASS. RIGHT?

I have typed up a draft for this post over and over, and so instead of trying to be clever, I’m just gonna say: getting these on the same day is overwhelming in the best way. #everythingistuberculosis #sunriseonthereaping

This turns out to have not been a particularly tricky prediction.