Leslie Gaar
@thelesliegaar.bsky.social
Performer. Writer. Serial plant killer.
Austin, TX
@mcsweeneys @WashingtonPost @BuzzFeed @TODAYParents @JimHensonCo
Austin, TX
@mcsweeneys @WashingtonPost @BuzzFeed @TODAYParents @JimHensonCo
Pinned
My phone just auto-corrected 'especially' to 'Dostoevsky' because when you're cultured AF like me, you replace adverbs with 19th century Russian novelists.
Fitness instructor: You need a band, Leslie.
Me: Oh yeah, you think? 😀 I only play piano and I’m kinda rusty but it'd be cool...
Fitness instructor: An elastic band. We're doing resistance work.
Me: ...oh. 😞
Me: Oh yeah, you think? 😀 I only play piano and I’m kinda rusty but it'd be cool...
Fitness instructor: An elastic band. We're doing resistance work.
Me: ...oh. 😞
November 9, 2025 at 5:57 PM
Fitness instructor: You need a band, Leslie.
Me: Oh yeah, you think? 😀 I only play piano and I’m kinda rusty but it'd be cool...
Fitness instructor: An elastic band. We're doing resistance work.
Me: ...oh. 😞
Me: Oh yeah, you think? 😀 I only play piano and I’m kinda rusty but it'd be cool...
Fitness instructor: An elastic band. We're doing resistance work.
Me: ...oh. 😞
I used to work at a place with like 90% women, and the part I miss most is when we’d gather together with our pointed hats and cauldrons to curse the men.
November 7, 2025 at 10:58 PM
I used to work at a place with like 90% women, and the part I miss most is when we’d gather together with our pointed hats and cauldrons to curse the men.
Ladies, don’t forget it’s work from home Friday, so today you can just fuck shit up there instead of at the office.
November 7, 2025 at 3:41 PM
Ladies, don’t forget it’s work from home Friday, so today you can just fuck shit up there instead of at the office.
Me, determined to enjoy my alone time while my kids are burning the house down
November 7, 2025 at 1:00 AM
Me, determined to enjoy my alone time while my kids are burning the house down
Reposted by Leslie Gaar
"Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer a city where everyday residents have to work three jobs and are under constant threat of eviction. Anything short of an excruciating existence for the working class just doesn’t cut it for me."
If New York City Is No Longer Going to Be an Unaffordable Police State Run by Crooks, I’m Taking My Hard-Earned Sex-Pest Dollars Elsewhere
“New York millionaires are plotting their exit from the city after the election of Zohran Mamdani, the socialist who plans to increase the taxes of...
buff.ly
November 6, 2025 at 7:27 PM
"Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer a city where everyday residents have to work three jobs and are under constant threat of eviction. Anything short of an excruciating existence for the working class just doesn’t cut it for me."
I couldn’t help but wonder- would I have to start faking medical emergencies to get the attention I deserve?
November 6, 2025 at 8:05 PM
I couldn’t help but wonder- would I have to start faking medical emergencies to get the attention I deserve?
The people who peaked in high school are having the worst night.
November 5, 2025 at 3:29 AM
The people who peaked in high school are having the worst night.
These election results are the perfect send off for Dick Cheney. 🥰
November 5, 2025 at 2:28 AM
These election results are the perfect send off for Dick Cheney. 🥰
The people who have equated NYC with Sodom and Gomorrah for decades are now very concerned that it will be destroyed.
November 4, 2025 at 10:56 PM
The people who have equated NYC with Sodom and Gomorrah for decades are now very concerned that it will be destroyed.
Reposted by Leslie Gaar
"Life is about decisions. Either you write 100,000 words a day or you meet people and develop ties of affection. You can’t do both."
How to Write 100,000 Words Per Day, Every Day
Most people don’t believe me when I tell them I write 100,000 words every day of my life. If I’m being totally honest, 100,000 is probably just a b...
buff.ly
November 3, 2025 at 6:26 PM
"Life is about decisions. Either you write 100,000 words a day or you meet people and develop ties of affection. You can’t do both."
Someone just called me ‘doña,’* so if you need me I’ll be over here picking out a cane and hard candies.
*Like ‘señora,’ but 100 times older
*Like ‘señora,’ but 100 times older
November 3, 2025 at 2:53 PM
Someone just called me ‘doña,’* so if you need me I’ll be over here picking out a cane and hard candies.
*Like ‘señora,’ but 100 times older
*Like ‘señora,’ but 100 times older
That’ll do baseball. That’ll do.
November 2, 2025 at 11:21 PM
That’ll do baseball. That’ll do.
My favorite Bible story is when Jesus refuses to distribute the loaves and fishes in order to teach self-reliance, and then mocks the hungry by eating the food in front of them. Just classic Jesus.
November 2, 2025 at 2:45 AM
My favorite Bible story is when Jesus refuses to distribute the loaves and fishes in order to teach self-reliance, and then mocks the hungry by eating the food in front of them. Just classic Jesus.
Why wouldn’t you unironically throw a Great Gatsby party when it has such a happy ending? 🥰
November 1, 2025 at 8:13 PM
Why wouldn’t you unironically throw a Great Gatsby party when it has such a happy ending? 🥰
I hate gay Halloween because what do you mean you’re the corn chowder Andy spilled on her poly-blend sweater on her first day at Runway
October 29, 2025 at 6:03 PM
I hate gay Halloween because what do you mean you’re the corn chowder Andy spilled on her poly-blend sweater on her first day at Runway
Reposted by Leslie Gaar
"I have eight copies of 'I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings' for sale, $30 each. But I have a standing 40% off discount for military cadets and teenagers in Texas/Florida/Oklahoma. For your own protection, they come wrapped in the book cover for Sean Hannity’s Live Free or Die."
Posts from the Liberal Dark Web, Ca. 2027
Mima0100: Hello! This is my first time on the “Dark Web.” My grandson recently set up Tor on my iPad. Question: Does anyone have any flu, COVID, an...
buff.ly
October 29, 2025 at 2:01 AM
"I have eight copies of 'I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings' for sale, $30 each. But I have a standing 40% off discount for military cadets and teenagers in Texas/Florida/Oklahoma. For your own protection, they come wrapped in the book cover for Sean Hannity’s Live Free or Die."
Somebody’s drag name needs work
October 29, 2025 at 3:41 PM
Somebody’s drag name needs work
I hate gay Halloween because what do you mean you’re number 17 from Velma and Veronica Kelly’s double act- The Spread Eagle
October 29, 2025 at 2:01 PM
I hate gay Halloween because what do you mean you’re number 17 from Velma and Veronica Kelly’s double act- The Spread Eagle
I've never been camping, but the fact that "happy campers" is always used sarcastically tells me everything I need to know.
October 27, 2025 at 2:03 PM
I've never been camping, but the fact that "happy campers" is always used sarcastically tells me everything I need to know.
My latest in McSweeney’s!
"I am a French jewel thief, and I am the best at what I do. I move with precision, each step a carefully choreographed ballet. I do not simply steal things like a common pickpocket; I perform. I create. I inspire. But not before 9:30 a.m."
I, a French Jewel Thief, Refuse to Rob the Louvre Before Mid-Morning
“Thieves in balaclavas broke into Paris’ Louvre museum on Sunday morning, using a crane to smash an upstairs window, then stealing priceless object...
buff.ly
October 27, 2025 at 2:02 PM
My latest in McSweeney’s!
Them: I don’t care about politics, I love everyone!
Also them: F those kids on SNAP.
Also them: F those kids on SNAP.
October 27, 2025 at 1:37 AM
Them: I don’t care about politics, I love everyone!
Also them: F those kids on SNAP.
Also them: F those kids on SNAP.
Welp, the frequency of angry French people writing me to say they worked a 12-hour day has slowed to a trickle, so I guess that joke is winding down.
October 24, 2025 at 3:33 PM
Welp, the frequency of angry French people writing me to say they worked a 12-hour day has slowed to a trickle, so I guess that joke is winding down.
An Irish woman just told me she was “absolutely fecking delighted” for me. No one can tell me nothin today.
October 23, 2025 at 3:52 PM
An Irish woman just told me she was “absolutely fecking delighted” for me. No one can tell me nothin today.
Check me out in McSweeney’s!
In France, we pride ourselves on enjoying life’s simple pleasures: food, drink, and the occasional grand larceny. To rush through these things would not just disrupt our leisurely schedule; it would be a sin. One must savor the moment, not run from robbery to robbery like a buffoon.
I, a French Jewel Thief, Refuse to Rob the Louvre Before Mid-Morning
“Thieves in balaclavas broke into Paris’ Louvre museum on Sunday morning, using a crane to smash an upstairs window, then stealing priceless object...
buff.ly
October 23, 2025 at 3:17 PM
Check me out in McSweeney’s!
Hot damn! I wrote an essay inspired by my Louvre thief post and @mcsweeneys.net picked it up! (This is a big deal for humor writers and pretty much no one else. 😂)
Check it out at the link in the comments!
Check it out at the link in the comments!
October 23, 2025 at 2:11 AM
Hot damn! I wrote an essay inspired by my Louvre thief post and @mcsweeneys.net picked it up! (This is a big deal for humor writers and pretty much no one else. 😂)
Check it out at the link in the comments!
Check it out at the link in the comments!