I was at the gym today and caught a glimpse of myself in the perfect light, at the perfect angle to realize Im finally starting to look like Vegeta...balding
November 27, 2025 at 3:46 AM
I was at the gym today and caught a glimpse of myself in the perfect light, at the perfect angle to realize Im finally starting to look like Vegeta...balding
Whats the English word for "Botomy?"
November 15, 2025 at 4:27 AM
Whats the English word for "Botomy?"
5am
Me - "Hey man, you wanna hear a fun fact? I didn't commit a crime or anything."
Stranger-"No"
Me-"I get it" *Cries in the rain*
It was raining
Me - "Hey man, you wanna hear a fun fact? I didn't commit a crime or anything."
Stranger-"No"
Me-"I get it" *Cries in the rain*
It was raining
October 11, 2025 at 8:54 AM
5am
Me - "Hey man, you wanna hear a fun fact? I didn't commit a crime or anything."
Stranger-"No"
Me-"I get it" *Cries in the rain*
It was raining
Me - "Hey man, you wanna hear a fun fact? I didn't commit a crime or anything."
Stranger-"No"
Me-"I get it" *Cries in the rain*
It was raining
Well shit
one thing that is true for everyone reading this: unless something changes dramatically the number of people who agree with you on what basic facts constitute "reality" will shrink every year for the rest of your life
September 26, 2025 at 5:42 AM
Well shit
Just ate shit so hard I heard someone say "didn't realize it was open mic night"
....I was the headliner and have been doing this for over a decade.
....I was the headliner and have been doing this for over a decade.
September 26, 2025 at 2:12 AM
Just ate shit so hard I heard someone say "didn't realize it was open mic night"
....I was the headliner and have been doing this for over a decade.
....I was the headliner and have been doing this for over a decade.
Sure I'm visiting Dubrovnik, where they filmed some of Game of Thrones, but I live where they filmed A Handmaid's Tale and if you drive just 2hrs south of me you can see where it's happening for real.
August 23, 2025 at 7:44 AM
Sure I'm visiting Dubrovnik, where they filmed some of Game of Thrones, but I live where they filmed A Handmaid's Tale and if you drive just 2hrs south of me you can see where it's happening for real.
How many times will you let me sniffle and discreetly attempt to wipe my nose before letting me leave you actually blow it?
June 8, 2025 at 12:41 AM
How many times will you let me sniffle and discreetly attempt to wipe my nose before letting me leave you actually blow it?
Is there a subset of the queer community that really over does Pride month? Like those folks that go ape-shit for Christmas to the point that even the biggest Christmas fan is like "We get it Carol, shit" but for Pride?
June 3, 2025 at 2:05 AM
Is there a subset of the queer community that really over does Pride month? Like those folks that go ape-shit for Christmas to the point that even the biggest Christmas fan is like "We get it Carol, shit" but for Pride?
Don't bother trying to explain angel I know exactly what goes on...but my buddy here doesn't so maybe explain it for him.
April 24, 2025 at 1:09 AM
Don't bother trying to explain angel I know exactly what goes on...but my buddy here doesn't so maybe explain it for him.
You wanna see my eyes water regardless of what's happening?
Softly sing your shit while having someone like 40 feet away say the same thing but scream their guts out.
Currently figuring out how to do this with jokes.
Softly sing your shit while having someone like 40 feet away say the same thing but scream their guts out.
Currently figuring out how to do this with jokes.
April 15, 2025 at 11:22 AM
You wanna see my eyes water regardless of what's happening?
Softly sing your shit while having someone like 40 feet away say the same thing but scream their guts out.
Currently figuring out how to do this with jokes.
Softly sing your shit while having someone like 40 feet away say the same thing but scream their guts out.
Currently figuring out how to do this with jokes.
I'm currently trying to convince my wife to quit her job so we can be the oldest people at music festivals this summer.
April 12, 2025 at 1:44 AM
I'm currently trying to convince my wife to quit her job so we can be the oldest people at music festivals this summer.
I LOVE showing my wife those "This is how much I love you" memes when we're rotting and then let her watch as I send it to a dude.
April 11, 2025 at 5:15 AM
I LOVE showing my wife those "This is how much I love you" memes when we're rotting and then let her watch as I send it to a dude.
Now imagine the crown is a top hat and the word "victorious" was underneath.
April 3, 2025 at 8:26 PM
Now imagine the crown is a top hat and the word "victorious" was underneath.
Ya know what's fun about arguing with conspiracy theorists on a bridge on the rain?
Me either.
Me either.
March 30, 2025 at 8:31 AM
Ya know what's fun about arguing with conspiracy theorists on a bridge on the rain?
Me either.
Me either.
For the first time in our nearly 19 year relationship I'm less than 100lbs heavier than my wife.
She's become incredibly fat.
(This is a joke, I lost weight)
She's become incredibly fat.
(This is a joke, I lost weight)
February 19, 2025 at 12:40 PM
For the first time in our nearly 19 year relationship I'm less than 100lbs heavier than my wife.
She's become incredibly fat.
(This is a joke, I lost weight)
She's become incredibly fat.
(This is a joke, I lost weight)
I think I figured it out, Hot Mulligan fits into the same brain-slot as Brand New for me.
February 19, 2025 at 12:38 PM
I think I figured it out, Hot Mulligan fits into the same brain-slot as Brand New for me.
As a guy that plays ranged characters in the Elder Scrolls fantasy games, it seems only fair that I play a melee character in the Starfield far-future sci-fi game.
January 22, 2025 at 11:49 AM
As a guy that plays ranged characters in the Elder Scrolls fantasy games, it seems only fair that I play a melee character in the Starfield far-future sci-fi game.
I was told to post this here.
TikTok - Make Your Day
vm.tiktok.com
January 22, 2025 at 11:45 AM
I was told to post this here.
I was hired to MC a company party tonight. One of the speakers told me @martinshort.bsky.social is their uncle...no pressure.
January 19, 2025 at 4:15 AM
I was hired to MC a company party tonight. One of the speakers told me @martinshort.bsky.social is their uncle...no pressure.
I think the idea of Trump trying to take Canada, Greenland and the Panama Canal is hilarious.
C'mon man...just say you played some Roblox Shipping Lanes with Vlad and you had an idea.
C'mon man...just say you played some Roblox Shipping Lanes with Vlad and you had an idea.
January 9, 2025 at 3:28 PM
I think the idea of Trump trying to take Canada, Greenland and the Panama Canal is hilarious.
C'mon man...just say you played some Roblox Shipping Lanes with Vlad and you had an idea.
C'mon man...just say you played some Roblox Shipping Lanes with Vlad and you had an idea.
I'm doing dry January because it'll make weightloss easier and I need to lose 50-60% more man boob by February.
January 2, 2025 at 5:53 PM
I'm doing dry January because it'll make weightloss easier and I need to lose 50-60% more man boob by February.
Based solely on their characters from TV and movies, I think I'd rather bump into Kevin Spacey over Ben Stiller. Stiller is way more convincing as an asshole on screen.
Context - I'm watching Heavyweights
Context - I'm watching Heavyweights
December 26, 2024 at 7:57 PM
Based solely on their characters from TV and movies, I think I'd rather bump into Kevin Spacey over Ben Stiller. Stiller is way more convincing as an asshole on screen.
Context - I'm watching Heavyweights
Context - I'm watching Heavyweights
What are the posts on Bluesky called?
December 21, 2024 at 2:38 AM
What are the posts on Bluesky called?
Had someone dress me up, put makeup on me take pictures today. I've never felt so pretty.
5 stars - would recommend
5 stars - would recommend
December 9, 2024 at 3:30 AM
Had someone dress me up, put makeup on me take pictures today. I've never felt so pretty.
5 stars - would recommend
5 stars - would recommend
"Is there any clothing you'd feel uncomfortable being asked to wear?"
I dare you to find a dress I look good in. I fucking dare you...where'd you find that? Can I have it?
I dare you to find a dress I look good in. I fucking dare you...where'd you find that? Can I have it?
December 5, 2024 at 12:34 AM
"Is there any clothing you'd feel uncomfortable being asked to wear?"
I dare you to find a dress I look good in. I fucking dare you...where'd you find that? Can I have it?
I dare you to find a dress I look good in. I fucking dare you...where'd you find that? Can I have it?