“Hey Siri, what is the record for number of turnovers in an NFL playoff game?”

Me, this entire Chiefs game

if you know a lot of stuff i think it is your moral duty to be kind and excited when people learn stuff for the first time. the world is full of stuff we don't know about, don't be mean

When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king. The palace becomes a circus.

brb signing an executive order stating that nothing is my fault and you all have to be nice to me

I cannot believe that our ghetto ass govn't actually worked together to get rid of a fuckin app. Meanwhile, I can die from eating a mixed salad laced with Listeria or a mass shooting on my way to get it. Man, FUCK YALLL

Surround yourself with the kind of people who are nice to restaurant and retail workers.

Genuinely cackling that my friend’s Spotify Wrapped Top 5 songs included two “Songs Bats Hate” tracks

Yall remember when Harambe was killed in 2016, and the whole world went to shit shortly after? I hope this is the universe-changing moment that gets us back on the good timeline

i won’t rest until the entire series is renamed and they change the theme park at universal studios to the Wizarding World of Barbra Banda

I could really use a Triple Dipper right about now.