but who's going to love me, who already devotes their love to someone else?

how could I dare ask anyone to love me if I'm already in love with someone else?

I really am stupid

and you aren't even affectionate when you call me that

it just hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hu

maybe I deserve it. I should probably talk to them about it and clear up my thoughts...

I did make them feel similarly all those months ago.

silly me. making a vent post and then realizing at the end that even the vague details feel too personal to post online.

whatever. I'll go sleep.

I shouldn't lie to myself though, I wasn't really alone. I had friends, I talked to them...

is it because a bunch of my friends set up a bg3 play through? not particularly...

but I guess that when one of them had plans with me that ended up getting ditched for that.... it feels bad.

if it's in my journal there's no shot anybody will see that. at least there's an off chance someone likes this chain reply I guess.

and I guess that's kind of stupid, to be smiling even though I have no reason to. It makes all of my feelings feel inauthentic, it's making me wonder if I even am sad or am I just being performatively sad so someone can take pity on me

normally I'd write an entry in my journal/diary about this or so but nobody really reads that except me and the core of what I'm feeling... I think... is loneliness.

I want to be happy, I try to be happy, even if the circumstances don't necessarily give me reason to and I'm alone the whole day