Turtle D. Magnum
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turtlemagnum.bsky.social
Turtle D. Magnum
@turtlemagnum.bsky.social
230 followers 210 following 810 posts
he/they/it, writer, Legal Adult, purveyor of the winds of change
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turtlemagnum.bsky.social
seen this trend going around. get to know me in 9 games, babey!!!!
a bunch of video game box arts with a low effort drawing of a teal turtle with a smiley face with text above the turtle that says "10 games to get to know me by!!!!" the video games are, in order: the legend of zelda majora's mask, undertale, pokemon mystery dungeon red rescue team, fallout new vegas, the elder scrolls 4 oblivion, the elder scrolls 3 morrowind, the legend of zelda breath of the wild, vampire the masquerade bloodlines, pokemon red, super mario all stars, super smash brothers ultimate, and STALKER shadow of chernobyl
November 3, 2025 at 7:13 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
still thinking about that one post i saw where it was a hot lady kneeling on the floor edited to be playing N64 and i cant help but feel like there's something raw in that. maybe it's just because it's what i grew up with but i feel like the N64 was a very weird loner type console. maybe not as much as like the sega saturn or something, but i feel like if you grew up with an N64 you werent exactly the kid going to school dances or anything yknow. i think there's something very real in fantasizing about somebody attractive being into the same things you are, spending quality time with them doing something you love. maybe it's a tad superficial but i think theres a very human desire underlying the edit, something that just speaks to me
October 30, 2025 at 12:58 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
supper mario just burst through my floor because APPARIENTLY my apartment building is built with BRICK & he can just jump thru that shit like it's nothink!!!!! he seems chill though, it's just that now i have to deal with my living room being connected to my neighbor's living room so now i have to wear PANTS in my OWN GODDAMN HOUSE!!!!!
October 20, 2025 at 6:30 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
BROTHERS AURA TRANS BEAM ATTACK
a screenshot of fist of the north star depicting a darkened and dilapidated city with a black and yellow sky, and behind it all a massive beam shooting straight up in the colors of the trans flag, with the white being extra wide and there being lightning encircling the beam
October 20, 2025 at 6:27 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
btw, if you ever hear me refer to myself as "The Ultimate Gamer" or any variations thereof, that's not me being conceited; quite the contrary, even! it's a title i was democratically elected to by my old friend group!!! because in a little voting thing, i was voted as best at video games in the group!!!! this is of dubious legitimacy because i'm no longer friends with the vast majority of those people!!!!! but y'know!!!!
October 3, 2025 at 2:22 AM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
cereal brand idea. goblin grain. tagline, "tastes good, honest". there's a little bit of writing on the back. something to the effect of "everything's unhealthy these days, the other guys just lie to you about it. some of them dont even taste good, trying to seem healthier. we won't lie to you. we're unhealthy, and we're delicious. that's an honest goblin promise!"
October 1, 2025 at 1:34 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
arckey coler
a picture of an angry looking caracal cat lounging, edited to have a 2 liter of RC cola in its paw and an RC cola hat on its head. there is also a text bubble in comic sans that reads "arckey coler", meant as a play on the classic "fanter" meme
September 13, 2025 at 4:35 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
sometimes i think of something to say that'd probably be really funny if this person knew me well enough to know im joking, but since im not mutuals with the vast majority of people i follow online i'm like 95% sure i'd come off as the kind of insufferable person i'd be mocking so i just dont say anything. incidentally whenever i comment on the post of someone i dont know whether here or on youtube as a consequence of this i pretty much always err on the side of being painfully genuine as a consequence of this lol
September 13, 2025 at 4:27 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
ranked nintendo consoles by how i think they'd be if they were people you could marry. like imagine them as gijinkas of the console rather than the console itself, so if i say something is "kinda ugly" i mean that in terms of vibes of the console itself and not in terms of the games themselves
a tier list with the following rankings: a tier labeled as "soul mate" with the wii in first place, the GBA SP in second, the nintendo 3DS in third, and the original DS in first a tier labeled as "kinda ugly, still soul mates though" that has the N64, super nintendo and original gameboy advance in that order a third tier labeled as "kinda homely but still loves you dearly" with gamecube, gameboy color, 2DS and wii u in that order a tier labeled as "fuckable but not marriage material" with the gameboy and NES a tier labeled "gold digging harlot" with the nintendo switch, switch lite, and switch 2 and finally we have a tier labeled as "repulsive", which simply has the game and watch and the virtual boy
August 29, 2025 at 1:28 AM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
man, my aunt's nephew was really out here thinking i was his age when he's balding with a toddler and im out here rocking a full head of hair and a babyface so baby as to rival said toddler in its babyness. i cannot fathom being that bad with ages, my god dude, i dont even look like a 25 year old yet, much less like im in my thirties
August 28, 2025 at 9:02 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
i got poisoned and they sent my ass to The Rat Room
a low resolution picture of a hospital room depicting a chair, some medical equipment i don't know the name of and a surprisingly accurate mickey mouse painted onto the off-white wall
August 21, 2025 at 3:00 AM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
sometimes i'm talking to a stranger like on a bench by the lake or they're cutting my hair or something, and they mention they like video games and i'm like oh shit me too what do you like and they're all "Yeah I love Call of Duty and Madden!!!" and it makes me remember that not only am i fundamentally different from this person, but statistically most gamers since that's some of the most popular shit in general y'know. i am so fundamentally disconnected from so much of the general populace that it's unreal, man
July 14, 2025 at 5:13 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
perhaps a bit of a hot take but speaking in political jargon, in my opinion, only really serves to alienate those not wrapped up in your theory and anybody who already agrees with you would probably agree just as much even if you didnt use the jargon term for it. you're probably gonna scare off a lot more people with terms like "bourgeosie" than you're gonna get on your side is all im saying
July 14, 2025 at 5:11 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
the other night my mom told me that she heard the word "egirl" on reddit recently, and when i asked if she wanted me to explain she said "i have google". i asked her the context with the (correct!) presumption that it was something misogynistic, and she was all "yeah this woman on reddit was complaining about how "men don't like independent women" because the guy she liked rejected her when she asked him out and he went on to date a homeless egirl" and it's like. lol. lmao. i hope they're happy together, loser. you sound fucking unpleasant and entitled, i hope they live a happy life without you
July 14, 2025 at 5:09 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
when i was a kid my mom had a sewing mannequin and at one point i decided to dress it up because Why Not. i first put it in my winter jacket, which was stiff enough to have the hood stay up on its own as though there were a head inside it. then i put pants on it that kept on with a belt, and for the finishing touch i put scissors so in the dark, it'd look like he had a knife. then, at one point i forgot i made him, and when i walked out into the living room in the dark i saw him standing there, menacingly, and was genuinely fucking startled at the sight of it. good times!
June 29, 2025 at 1:01 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
some context for these posts: first one was written a couple of days ago when my mom sent me to subway for dinner. second one was written the night before last, after i went to a show my aunt's band was going
on the way to subway, just barely out of the parking lot of the apartments i live at, this guy started yelling at me in a way i can only really describe as aggressively friendly, telling me i should cut the sleeves on my shirt. now, today's been somewhat cool, around 70ish, and i take every chance i get to wear heavy clothes because they're more comfortable and i think i look better in them, so i'm wearing my purple flannel right now. but i get that it's still a bit warm for something so heavy, so yeah like. honestly i'm mostly just moderately bemused and amused by the situation, like the way he delivered it had no real friendly intonation, he wasn't smiling or anything, and when you're yelled at by a stranger in a booming voice i'm pretty sure it's usually a sign that they dont like you for whatever reason; but again this was n reference to me cutting the sleeves off my shirt, and telling me to be careful when i do it. what an interesting character, that guy was guy who told me to cut my sleeves off the other day was in the hallway when we got home from the show, called me his "main man" and told my mom that she better be treating me right, and started rambling and ranting along those lines. dude's eyes went so fucking wide when she said that she was my mom, said something to the effect of "shit, you both look young", was definitely a confidence booster for my mom. earlier she asked me if she looked 80 and when i tried to brush it off as ridiculous she mentioned the creases on her forehead, which are so minor as to be practically unnoticeable to anybody not scrutinizing with the most critical eye imaginable (which, to be fair when you have low self esteem that is in fact the kinda eye you'd use, trust me i'd know)
June 8, 2025 at 10:58 AM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
need to know what the vtm:b Cock Cola tastes like...
a screenshot of vampire the masquerade bloodlines showing a can of a drink that resembles coca cola but with the label "Cock" instead
June 8, 2025 at 8:21 AM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
you ever be walking around in public and you think of something that's really funny, like physically laugh kinda funny, but you wanna keep it in so that you're not some fucking weirdo laughing at nothing and so you're putting all your willpower into trying not to laugh and you start to feel like a homunculus desperately failing at being a human
May 25, 2025 at 8:32 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
an adult orange at licking a younger orange cat. the younger cat's eye is scrunched up on the side it's being licked, and its other eye is looking directly at the camera
May 18, 2025 at 3:49 PM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
traced this for piccolo day!! a few days late here, oh well!
art of young piccolo from dragon ball, looking off to the right visibly sweating and grimacing. he's so cute, round and huggable that you almost forget this is traced from a scene where he's committing arson
May 14, 2025 at 3:23 AM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
i think it's really cool about how pretty much everybody who gets any significant amount of notoriety has people thirsting after them, even if they're not conventionally attractive or are even actively terrible people like serial killers or a tech CEO. just goes to show that attractiveness is subjective and there's always gonna be someone out there that thinks you're hot, even if you don't see it yourself. like seriously i've seen people hornyposting over mark fucking zuckerberg, that shit makes me feel so hopeful for me finding somebody who thinks im hot. if there are women that wanna fuck fallout centaurs im gonna find at least one that wants to fuck me, mark my goddamn words
April 1, 2025 at 5:06 AM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
this is patches, she's my grandparent's cat even though they bought her as a gift to me lol. we love her dearly and she tolerates us in turn, except for when she attacks my grandma sometimes. our main way of interaction is her coming up to me and sniffing an outstretched finger when i visit
a black and white cat curled up on a brown couch, head resting on all four of her extended paws the same cat as the previous picture laying slightly more upright of what she was
March 7, 2025 at 3:12 AM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
btw i met this puppy at that superbowl party i went to. cute little thing, isn't she. when i went to the ground to pet her she licked me so much my glasses came off my face
a pov photograph of a hand reaching down to pet a dog. the dog is a black pit bull staring lovingly upwards as the hand reaches behind her ear. the hand has pale skin, and is connected to a purple flannel shirt, and to the side we see the torso of that purple flannel shirt with black dress pants and brown work boots on a white tile floor.
February 18, 2025 at 10:31 AM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
so i went to sleep and got woken up from a phone notification from somebody who i had already previously told that she had gotten the wrong number. i think the guy whose number it was supposed to be was like, a potential romantic partner or something? and it was this whole fucking wall of text about "i'm" a fat disgusting slob that no woman would ever want anyways and how i should clean my house and shower, and this and that and i'm thinking oh my god this is an unhinged way to be talking to a stranger who's already told you isn't the guy you're thinking of. i guess somehow she mistook my number for his again. and being tired and not wanting to correct her again i just blocked her fucking number. and now i'm up. and then i get another text from a different number, clearly the same person, and she starts going on and on about how disrespectful "i" was being and how it's not even that she wasn't interested in me but i was so fucking rude and yadda yadda yadda. and i'm like "hey uh wrong fuckin number pal" before blocking her again. and it's like, god, i wholeheartedly hope that guy was a real asshole, like a real genuine piece of shit, because holy shit was she mad. she said some vile shit, the kinda shit that made me go "damn bitch no wonder he aint into you" that was at 9 PM. it's nearly 2 AM. i'm still fucking awake. seriously though, what kind of fucking freak berates somebody to the point that they block your number, only for you to use a different fucking number to berate them even more. that's some stalker shit right there. and like to be clear i'm not exactly mad or anything. i'm just kinda fucking tired. and maybe i'm a bit annoyed that that shithead woke me up, but eh
January 31, 2025 at 6:58 AM
turtlemagnum.bsky.social
hey check out this turtle my mom got me
a closeup view of a stone tortoise at a slight angle a profile view of a stone tortoise
January 30, 2025 at 6:40 PM