Friend: Hey man how’s it going

Me: (invisible “Am I In Trouble” meter veering wildly to Yes) wwhats up

the media thinks its funny when a man eats too many figs and rubs his stuomach and says "Oh ive had too many figs". They want us dead

I'm old enough to remember when a computer didn't automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

TV detective who asks "Was the victim circumcised" every episode but it never connects to anything

Is it really your “best bit” if your family hasn’t banned you from doing it