so much is going through my head and making me sick I can't even speak anymore I fucking hate this

i spent most of my night crying, muted in a vc surrounded by friends

i leave the call, shower to turn off my brain, and claw at my skin unconsciously

15 minutes of bandaging

i hope tomorrow is better

I hope all this crying doesn't ruin this test

they always act like i'm fine with knowing about this stuff single digit days away from the date despite me telling them every single time that i'm not and it stresses me out so much every time

i've already cried about it twice today and it sure won't be the last

i know i shouldn't feel bad about it

but i do because these people mean a lot to me and it's the first real time where i can't really participate in the gift side of things for a holiday

it just makes me really really sad

i can't even work on things myself because it always devolves into "what if i had X" and then planning for more things that need more money that i don't have access to

it just fucking sucks so much and it makes me so depressed that i'm being set back like this