for years i was told, you can google that. You should probably google that. Instead of answering your question i will link you to "let me google that for you dot com" but look at us now. Google's shit and only I, the lazy oaf, am prepared for this awful new world where only people can be trusted

the next baseball game is only going to be three innings to balance it out. should be more exciting but i feel bad for people who bought tickets at full price. that's Hollywood for you

hard to explain to my boss that we pulled off a Dude Perfect swish from the rafters

every time i present my work like "here's what the numbers say, but on paper doesn't always translate to reality" and then the numbers are very correct and it looks like i'm being pathologically modest, which this post doesn't sound like i am but i usually am

i did a bunch of incredible algebra at work this week. some other setbacks, no doubt, but the math (and, let's face it, the people doing the actual work foretold by math) made me look like a hero. i'm setting expectations too high again

time to cook a dozen gyoza, hit the nicotine vape five times in quick succession and stumble around with the edges of my vision flashing red until i hide behind some waist-high cover for a while

i would float toward it and once i arrived at the pie, give it a simple appreciative whistle. it's called adding positivity to the world

If I caught the scent of a delicious pie cooling on a windowsill I wouldn't float towards it helplessly. I would continue on to whatever business I had that day

no!!!

plus we're already well past qualified immunity into "what Constitution"

what if the book, in an attempt to be more useful, read a different book it was within sight of? pretty soon you have this loop where there are bigger and bigger books reading each other, gaining infinite words

i'm worried about if this so-called "knife" sharpens something into a sharper knife, and so forth until it cuts what i call a "hyper-hole"

what if this "wheel" rolling roundens more things into wheels and soon we all become road

EPSTEIN: hi D, G and me just talking about cold hair dryer
UNKNOWN: Oops, I meant "Text" Message. Can't Change it!
MAXWELL: It's the 21st century, Donald.
UNKNOWN: Cold is Impossible
MAXWELL: See Jeff?
UNKNOWN: You have to Plug it in "Backwards"

Newly released Epstein text logs

EPSTEIN: if u plug in backwards
EPSTEIN: would hair dryer be cold
MAXWELL: Jeff we need to focus on your legal defense right now.
UNKNOWN NUMBER: Hello All! I have bought a "Apple Phone", and can Test Message! DJT is in the 20th Century!

White House Staff Hoping Trump Not Look Too Closely At Awarded Noble Pete's Prize

and it goes like this:
the fourth, the fifth,
the six and seventh
eighth, ninth, and tenth
and after that are even
bigger numbers

bigger numbers
bigger numbers
bigger numbers
bigger nuuu~uumbee~eeers...

nice try but that's not even a government post. it's from reddit

yeah that did it

translator's note: keikaku means Ah! du bringst mir einen Snack?

fuck! i love living by the sword (a shadow falls upon me)

i didn't realize that when i invented the thing that labels who they're following that people would be able to see this information. i'm trying to remove it. you people are sick

i have removed the "de minimis" exception from my posts. all my posts are now required to get at least 100 likes each. even if they're really bad. especially whenever they're always really bad

even if it were possible for there to be a so-called "Great Depression," we would see a profusion of pencils and/or apples on offer to the American consumer