Author | Lightnews

Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 6h

Day 5 of Jokevember is "food rules". There was much to choose from, but I went with a classic issue that people seem real upset at : pineapple on pizza. #jokevember #pizza #food #jokes #standupcomedy

Reposted by Sonya Mathews

dave wagner @davewagner.bsky.social · 16h

he appreciates the support, but Chancleta cannot be mayor of New York, governor of Virginia and New Jersey, and comprise the entire Pennsylvania Supreme Court, even though he will almost surely win all of those races. he's very busy and already works a full day.

An orange and white cat is lounging and looking like a goddamn champion

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Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 1d

A definition of the word "fracking" from The Comic's Wordbook. You can find more of these on my website : sonyamathews.com/wordbook/

#thecomicswordbook #comedy #standupcomedian

Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 1d

Today's #Jokevember theme is "Technology Fails". I had a lot of fun with this idea, deciding to look back in time. As a teacher it always gave me great pleasure to say to students "a fork is technology" and watch their brains explode. So I leveraged some of that for these jokes. #jokes #technology

Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 1d

Oh lord what did I miss? 😆

Gemma Clark 🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸 @gemmaclark.bsky.social · 1d

Just catching up on King Musk’s latest Ketamine binge. I understand that we are all Shire dwelling Hobbits now? I bet he also thinks the haggis is an animal and we wear kilts and chase them all weekend 🤪

Reposted by Sonya Mathews

Sachaaaargh Coward 👻 @sachacoward.bsky.social · 2d

I think my biggest desire now is to be the kind of adult my 7 year-old self would want to play videogames with.

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Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 2d

The Royal Family is confirmed to be house cats. They’ve moved to their 'forever home' - ruling from a velvet perch and mainlining attention while we pay for their toys. And when one of them tracked enough criminal allegations across the parquet it’s: "Andrew Mountbatten Windsor - get OUT!" #jokes

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Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 2d

I am oddly looking forward to it. I am hoping for raps about gogurt that sample the dial-up noise.

Sachaaaargh Coward 👻 @sachacoward.bsky.social · 2d

My theory is... in the next year we're going to see a LOT of 90's nostalgia. A lot of TV shows, fashion and music heavily referencing the 90s.

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Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 2d

For day three of #Jokevember the theme is "childhood lies" so I wrote about something I didn't know wasn't universal until alarmingly late, and drew a silly picture. #jokes #comedy #goose #standupcomedian

Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 3d

“Never before in our travels have we encountered a people that so openly proclaims godliness, while boldly erecting altars to violence and grandiloquently declaring that their God hath bestowed upon them a divine right to superiority over all others.”

Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 3d

“It is a society gripped by a curious paradox: it claims to cherish life, but engineers every public space for death. One must pity a culture so spiritually bankrupt that it mistakes armed paranoia for public safety”

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Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 3d

“In these territories the young are often offered up in acts of public sacrifice. These ceremonies are not conducted in open temples, but in enclosed structures known as schools. There children are sent each day dressed in bright colors, not for safety but for ease of identification post incident”

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Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 3d

“These temples are sites of ritual devotion where the natives genuflect to sacred texts which they worship with the fervor of zealots and the literacy of livestock.”

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Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 3d

Two can play this game, JD.

“The primitive locals of this strange and troubled Land are so deeply enthralled by objects of violence, they have erected entire temples to the worship of the firearm. “

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Reposted by Sonya Mathews

Katie Hinde @mammalssuck.bsky.social · 3d

Hey AP headline writer dipshits- the EXIT isn't the crisis, the decades of protection & prestige for Andrew was the crisis.

Headline: Andrew’s royal exit is the latest crisis for Britain’s monarchy

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Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 3d

I have been working on a series called The Comic's Wordbook, wherein I transform pieces I have used on stage into dictionary definitions. This is an homage to Ambrose Bierce, but applied to words and phrases he never got to experience.

Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 3d

For day two of #Jokevember the theme is "bad advice" and I couldn't choose, so I wrote two. I hope you enjoy, and remember these are jokes. They are not to be taken as serious advice! #comedy #comedian #standupcomedy #jokes

Reposted by Sonya Mathews

derek guy @dieworkwear.bsky.social · 6d

JD Vance claims that diversity weakens unions, as people end up distrusting each other and not organizing.

Let me tell you two menswear stories related to this claim. 🧵

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Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 4d

We are working on this over breakfast this morning. My partner suggests: wisdom

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Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · 4d

I have recently startedd doing standup comedy, and I am going to attempt to test my teeny joke muscles in the gauntlet of #Jokevember, a challenge to write a joke every day. #comedy #comedian #standupcomedy

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Reposted by Sonya Mathews

dave wagner @davewagner.bsky.social · 4d

on halloween, if a strange cat comes to your door and then passes out on your stuff while looking like a drunk old man, you have to keep the cat. also this applies to all other nights

A gray cat is passed out on a heating pad. She looks like a drunk old man

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Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · Jun 17

Abortion is a medical procedure. Nothing else.

People who need it should be able to choose it, without barriers or hurdles.

Also, other people’s medical care is none of your business.

#abortion #uk

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Reposted by Sonya Mathews

Gemma Clark 🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸 @gemmaclark.bsky.social · Jun 17

Wonderful news! The fight back begins! Abortion is not a crime and we are human beings not incubators 🥳 www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/poli...

MPs vote to decriminalise abortion in historic change to reproductive rights

Move opposed by senior politicians including the justice secretary Shabana Mahmood, who branded it ‘extreme’

www.independent.co.uk

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Reposted by Sonya Mathews

Sachaaaargh Coward 👻 @sachacoward.bsky.social · Jun 13

Something I am working on: As someone with ADHD and dyspraxia, I am always the person that breaks something, drops something, spills something.

I am starting to realise I have a VERY strong reaction to simple mistakes; as in a full-on self hatred spiral over knocking over a glass of water. 1/

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Sonya Mathews @mathewssonya.bsky.social · Jun 13

Everyone is an idiot and
Everyone is tired and stressed. So the look of frustration today might not have happened even if i clumsied the same in front of the same person a few hours earlier. But it is hard, especially for big humans who are doubly out of time and place. At least that’s how i feel😆